Horoscopes for July, 2025

Lockjaw
Jul 1
2 min read

Aries

Time to pull yourself together. Your emotional support animal now needs its own emotional support animal.

Taurus

Don’t put off a decision. Keir needs more money, and he’s coming for you!

Gemini

After the horrendous barbecue accident, you will be known as 'Mr Patty Hands’.

Cancer

The heavenly alignment indicates your life will enter a period of stability, so either that "serious ear infection" clears up, or you decide to lay off the sauce for a bit. Whatever the reason, you will spend less time sprawled on the floor being used by the family as an impromptu draught excluder. Result !

Leo

Remember!! Always turn off the electric mower before clearing any blockages in the blade housing. I'd have thought that you would have learnt that lesson first time around, Lefty!

Virgo

You are worried that you have misplaced something valuable, and you are understandably keen to find it before anyone else. There is no need to worry yourself unduly. it's bound to turn up soon. After all, it weighs 400 kilogrammes and it's radioactive.

Libra

You will bring great joy to a number of families this month ... after your organs have been harvested. Kudos to you.

Scorpio

You will be declared the person most likely to ... Erm, it's not clear what that will be as yet.

Sagittarius

Time will weigh heavy on you this month, but eventually someone will find you under that grandfather clock. Ding dong!

Capricorn

Your zest for life will be tested when someone suggests fun with a grater.

Aquarius

If life gives you verrucas, don't expect people to kiss your feet

Pisces

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