Premier League refs to allow more physical play.

Amongst those delighted with this decision is Sandy Ballsover – Artistic Director for FADA – the Football Academy for the Dramatic Arts.


“This is great news” gushed Sandy. “It means that the methods we teach for conning the ref – sorry I meant appealing for the obviously correct decision – are more important than ever. We can offer a whole range of training classes for the Sunday morning pub team clogger right up to the English International clogger. Amongst the many skills we can develop are:-


•Falling like a ton of bricks if an opponent’s boot gets anywhere near a leg, rolling around on the ground as if the leg has been remove just below the hip. Subsequently getting up and running the length of the pitch in just under 10 seconds.


•If fouled – and following the above performance, the opponent gets red / yellow carded, adopting a rueful grin and trying to shake his hand.


•Having finally been red-carded for a series of tackles which anywhere else would result in a jail sentence, leaving the pitch with eyes downcast and sadly shaking the head – think Mother Teresa.


•Utilising the Larry Olivier thespian techniques whilst having a measured, philosophical discussion with the ref – eyes widened, mouth open (and ideally spittle flecked) and both arms held in the John McEnroe pose. Also undertaking rigorous research beforehand to uncover a swear word not used previously.


•Practicing spitting accuracy to ensure a well developed gob lands millimetres away from the ref’s / linemen’s boot.

•Generous applauding the home supporters after yet another home loss. Ironically applauding the away supporters after an unprecedented away win.”


Asked if the Academy taught any actual football skills, Sandy giggled and said “don’t be silly darling!”

Image by Phillip Kofler from Pixabay

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