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Season's crop of light bulbs growing on trees harvested

Early indicators suggest that this year's crop of light bulbs will be one of the best in living memory. Global analysts of commodities are forecasting that a bumper crop of bulbs could stabilise skittish investors and quell worldwide pessimism. Credit rating maker uppers Rack & Ruin have upgraded their futures scenarios to 'bright'.

'The Dollar is trading up against the Pound, the Pound is up against the Euro, and the Euro is up against the Dollar,' said R&R CEO, Quality Rack. We've not seen this level of suspicious infeasibility since the days Libor was being rigged. Orders are through the roof in the gold-plated convertible Bentley market, mostly driven by hedge fund managers.

'Even more satisfying for insanely wealthy people who make billions out of mad scenarios, is the quality of bulbs being harvested from trees. It is higher than we've ever seen before. Major cities in the Christmas celebrating world are reporting that their storage facilities are already nearing capacity. But what is most impressive is the data coming in from smallholders with perhaps only one light bulb tree. Spare harvest capacity is filling up in attics and garages, and that can only be a good thing. Even for all of the people not being paid a bean to harvest the bulbs.'

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