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Hollywood greenlights new film 'Return of the King'

It was announced today that Hollywood has given the green light to a new all-action movie called “Return of the King'.


The film tells the story of Andygorn, a wanderer in the political wilderness of The North who is revealed to be the true heir to the throne of Westminster.


He is opposed in his quest by a strange, goblin-like creature called Keirllum, who keeps muttering that staying in power is 'precious' to him, though he seems to have no idea what to do with it.


The relationship between Keirllum and a malevolent orange face seen at the top of a tower to the west is unclear, but said to be 'on and off'.


The climax of the film is the Battle of Makerfield, where Andygorn destroys the interloper Faraguman, who is revealed to be a puppet of the big orange face, before advancing on Westminster to claim his prize.


A scene involving talking trees turned out just to be King Charles having a chat with some of the evergreens at Highgrove.



Image from NewsBiscuit archive

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Season's crop of light bulbs growing on trees harvested



Early indicators suggest that this year's crop of light bulbs will be one of the best in living memory. Global analysts of commodities are forecasting that a bumper crop of bulbs could stabilise skittish investors and quell worldwide pessimism. Credit rating maker uppers Rack & Ruin have upgraded their futures scenarios to 'bright'.


'The Dollar is trading up against the Pound, the Pound is up against the Euro, and the Euro is up against the Dollar,' said R&R CEO, Quality Rack. We've not seen this level of suspicious infeasibility since the days Libor was being rigged. Orders are through the roof in the gold-plated convertible Bentley market, mostly driven by hedge fund managers.


'Even more satisfying for insanely wealthy people who make billions out of mad scenarios, is the quality of bulbs being harvested from trees. It is higher than we've ever seen before. Major cities in the Christmas celebrating world are reporting that their storage facilities are already nearing capacity. But what is most impressive is the data coming in from smallholders with perhaps only one light bulb tree. Spare harvest capacity is filling up in attics and garages, and that can only be a good thing. Even for all of the people not being paid a bean to harvest the bulbs.'




First published 14 Jan 2022


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