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Seventy-six pubs 'shutting per month' just to avoid Nigel Farage.

The ex-UKIP leader is threatening to campaign throughout the country, which by ‘country’, he means a photo opportunity with every purveyor of craft ale he can find. The fear is that voters will once again be exposed to his bloke-ish charm and persona of an unrepentant alcoholic; alongside images of him gurning with a pedal-bin mouth, while holding a warm pint aloft.

Mr. Farage challenged publicans to invest in traditional British values – like the nut’s calendar, with the topless girl, or dimpled beer glasses. A spokeswoman said: ‘Losing a pub is a small price to pay for avoiding Nigel. We also advise voters to run from tan-coloured coats – and do not, DO NOT, engage in an earthy banter about pasties or why all immigrants should all be put in camps.’

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