"Following the BBC's rebellious decision not to echo the opinions of the Prime Minister and the editorial board of the Daily Telegraph, and call Hamas terrorists," said a cabinet office spokesman, "the government has no option but to execute a ground attack on New Broadcasting House, to put this treacherous organisation out of action for ever.
"We are giving the snivelling, bleeding heart, terrorist-loving bunch of liberals at the BBC 24 hours to evacuate the north side of the New Broadcasting House Strip and move south of Wadi Fiona Bruce.
"We will then move in, capture Tim Davie and thrash his backside until he wimpers: 'OK, OK, I'll tell them to start calling Hamas terrorists, if it means that much to you. And I'll make them say the Conservatives have tackled inflation and made the UK a paradise on Earth. Now, for pity's sake, stop beating me. I'm a Tory myself, you know.'