Weather Presenters to stop being so jolly about the death of the planet.

NewsBiscuit
Mar 4
1 min read

A leaked memo reveals that weather personalities have been told to ratchet down the excitable banter about scorching weekends and pandas on fire. Instead of celebrating rising sea levels as bikini weather and the joys of melanoma, TV meteorologists have been told to acknowledge that a pleasantly warm November is an environmental disaster, not a cause for a conga-line.

Rather than bounce around the screen like an excitable children’s entertainer, who has eaten all the jelly, presenters will be required to wear appropriate funereal garb – a reaper skull, a scythe and big f$cking ‘I told you so’ expression. Temperatures will be announced with all the enthusiasm you would muster for colonic irrigation or a car-share with James Corden.

Complained one weather girl: ‘What’s wrong with a little bit of sunshine? What do you mean Global warming contributes to more than 150,000 deaths and 5 million illnesses annually? That can’t be true. I’m really pretty. See?’

The memo goes on to explain that 365 days of unremitting heat might be bad for the environment, rain is ‘not scary’ and seasons are not just for styles of clothing, they actually keep us alive. It concludes, Breakfast TV may not be the end of the world – it just feels like it.