NewsBiscuit

‘They’ve lost the backbone of their team through assassinations and deaths’

The latest opinion polls in France have shown that Carla Bruni’s marriage to struggling president Nicolas Sarkozy may have as little as two weeks left before the start of divorce proceedings.

‘Ok, he’s not suspected of anything, apart from being a bit annoying, but I’m sure he hasn’t got lawyers as good as Qatada’s, so hopefully it’ll all go through a bit more smoothly.’

Kyle ‘will bring North and South Korea together’ live on his show.

‘Come to France pour une bon holiday, et après, bugger off.’

‘They have that innate affinity that marks out all the great synchronised swimming teams. When David suddenly lurches to the right, Nick instinctively follows – they are inseparable.’

Foreign Secretary William Hague has today spoken of his anger that North Korean leader Kim Jong Il couldn’t have died a couple of days sooner, prior to the UK sending him a Christmas card.

‘It’s damned inconsiderate’ ranted Hague. ‘We got him a lovely card off Moonpig.com with his name on the front and everything which cost £2.50. And have you any idea how much postage is to North Korea?! We’re almost in a recession here for goodness sake. Couldn’t he have popped his clogs before I took the cards to the post-office last Friday?’

The product features new Eurozone crisis-ready technology, including a fixed banner with the words “EUROZONE CRISIS” along the bottom of the screen, regardless of channel.

‘In hindsight, combining both stable and weak economies to form the euro was a bit like inviting a dozen people from the nearest sink estate to become joint holders on your bank account.’

‘One wishes William and Kate every happiness for the future, but William is his father’s son so we were sure to set up a cast-iron pre-nuptial agreement – and Philip has a contact he can call if ever things get out of hand.’

Like all the best romantic musicals, Greece! is packed full of will-they-won’t-they tension, songs you’ll want to hear time and again, and plenty of ups and downs between the protagonists.

As part of the last-gasp Eurozone debt restructure, it’s been agreed that Greek Prime Minister George Papandreou can take the leftover biscuits back home with him.

The European Union today announced that it had given a traditional North Sea burial to its troublesome former member state, the United Kingdom. The move follows political and health concerns about the rotting corpse of the country’s Eurosceptic government being on public display in the House of Commons yesterday.

Greece has taken radical steps to solve its debt crisis by declaring that it has been annexed by its wealthier Eurozone neighbours, Germany.

After yesterday’s Wikileaks revelations, Nicolas Sarkozy has today confirmed that the “French language” is indeed a one thousand year old hoax. The president of France revealed that what purported to be his native tongue was in fact complete gibberish, admitting the French really speak English, except in the presence of the British.

The world’s military was put on standby earlier today following revelations regarding the US’s planned Christmas purchasing policy published on Wikileaks.

France has reacted to the latest terror warning from Al Qaeda by shrugging its shoulders and insisting it hasn’t understood a single word they are saying.

Stock markets around the world have been sent crashing today following the news that Bono’s back surgery will keep him out of action for up to six weeks. ‘Everyone knows that Bono tells virtually every government in the world what to do’ explained the BBC’s Robert Peston. ‘If he’s out of action no-one will have a clue what they should be doing. The entire global economy could go to rack and ruin.’

Prime Minister David Cameron confirmed that Tuesday’s Queen’s speech was almost cancelled following the news. ‘Fortunately we’d sought Bono’s opinion on most of the proposed bills already, and Bob Geldof was available for a bit of last minute fine-tuning’.

David Cameron was caught off guard at the political leaders’ debate last night as the Labour Party pledged that England would win the 2010 World Cup in South Africa.

Speaking after the historic debate to Alistair Stewart, Ed Miliband, architect of the party’s manifesto, confirmed their ‘firm intention to win the World Cup for the first time since 1966’. Under intense cross examination, Miliband said the pledge had been fully costed and Alistair Darling had approved the promise provided that Scotland win the trophy in 2014. He also revealed Labour’s intention of phasing in the 2012 European Championships for Wales at the personal request of Welsh assembly first minister Carwyn Jones.

World leaders stood by powerlessly last night as the latest editorial meeting at style bible Grazia sat in judgement on the key issues affecting the globe.