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Foreign languages ‘just an elaborate hoax’

Monday, July 13th, 2015

'déjà vu' replaced with 'lassez-faire'So-called ‘languages’ are an ancient practical joke, it has been revealed.

‘It all started with the Romans’, said Professor Tim Williams of the University of Central England, itself also an elaborate hoax. ‘They thought it would be funny to speak gibberish to the locals when they first came here. Being an isolated population, the myth took hold better than expected and it’s been maintained ever since.

Greece! The musical

Tuesday, January 27th, 2015

Like all the best romantic musicals, Greece! is packed full of will-they-won’t-they tension, songs you’ll want to hear time and again, and plenty of ups and downs between the protagonists.

Tories caught offside by Labour pledge to win 2010 World Cup

Tuesday, April 15th, 2014

David Cameron was caught off guard at the political leaders’ debate last night as the Labour Party pledged that England would win the 2010 World Cup in South Africa.

French voters enter final fortnight of Bruni-Sarkozy marriage

Saturday, April 28th, 2012

Oooh la la le PenThe latest opinion polls in France have shown that Carla Bruni’s marriage to struggling president Nicolas Sarkozy may have as little as two weeks left before the start of divorce proceedings.

May to deport Timmy Mallett instead ‘as a kind of consolation’

Tuesday, April 24th, 2012

‘Ok, he’s not suspected of anything, apart from being a bit annoying, but I’m sure he hasn’t got lawyers as good as Qatada’s, so hopefully it’ll all go through a bit more smoothly.’

UN appoint Jeremy Kyle to lead international conflict resolution

Thursday, April 12th, 2012

'why can't we all just get along?'Kyle ‘will bring North and South Korea together’ live on his show.

Cameron and Clegg selected as British synchronised swimming team

Tuesday, January 10th, 2012

both still struggling to keep their heads above water‘They have that innate affinity that marks out all the great synchronised swimming teams. When David suddenly lurches to the right, Nick instinctively follows – they are inseparable.’

Axis of Evil to strengthen squad in January transfer window

Wednesday, December 21st, 2011

strong attack, but no defence whatsoever‘They’ve lost the backbone of their team through assassinations and deaths’

Hague fury as Kim Jong Il death too late to stop Xmas card

Monday, December 19th, 2011

Foreign Secretary William Hague has today spoken of his anger that North Korean leader Kim Jong Il couldn’t have died a couple of days sooner, prior to the UK sending him a Christmas card.

‘It’s damned inconsiderate’ ranted Hague. ‘We got him a lovely card off with his name on the front and everything which cost £2.50. And have you any idea how much postage is to North Korea?! We’re almost in a recession here for goodness sake. Couldn’t he have popped his clogs before I took the cards to the post-office last Friday?’

Panasonic unveils new Eurozone crisis-ready TV

Monday, December 12th, 2011

The product features new Eurozone crisis-ready technology, including a fixed banner with the words “EUROZONE CRISIS” along the bottom of the screen, regardless of channel.

Eurozone crisis solved as France and Germany join the pound

Saturday, December 10th, 2011

‘In hindsight, combining both stable and weak economies to form the euro was a bit like inviting a dozen people from the nearest sink estate to become joint holders on your bank account.’

Queen’s Christmas message to be replaced with round-robin letter

Saturday, December 3rd, 2011

‘One wishes William and Kate every happiness for the future, but William is his father’s son so we were sure to set up a cast-iron pre-nuptial agreement – and Philip has a contact he can call if ever things get out of hand.’

Greece allowed to keep uneaten biscuits as part of Eurozone debt deal

Friday, October 28th, 2011

As part of the last-gasp Eurozone debt restructure, it’s been agreed that Greek Prime Minister George Papandreou can take the leftover biscuits back home with him.

EU to bury Britain in undisclosed North Sea location

Tuesday, October 25th, 2011

The European Union today announced that it had given a traditional North Sea burial to its troublesome former member state, the United Kingdom. The move follows political and health concerns about the rotting corpse of the country’s Eurosceptic government being on public display in the House of Commons yesterday.

Sarkozy admits French language a hoax after Wikileaks exposé

Friday, February 25th, 2011

President not even sure what 'Assange' actually meansAfter yesterday’s Wikileaks revelations, Nicolas Sarkozy has today confirmed that the “French language” is indeed a one thousand year old hoax. The president of France revealed that what purported to be his native tongue was in fact complete gibberish, admitting the French really speak English, except in the presence of the British.

World War III on the cards as Wikileaks reveals US Christmas list

Wednesday, December 1st, 2010

nothing this year for PutinThe world’s military was put on standby earlier today following revelations regarding the US’s planned Christmas purchasing policy published on Wikileaks.

France demands Al Qaeda repeat its terror threat – in French

Wednesday, September 22nd, 2010

vous parlez, monsieur, mais j'entend seulement 'peuthfssathasthssathath' France has reacted to the latest terror warning from Al Qaeda by shrugging its shoulders and insisting it hasn’t understood a single word they are saying.

World economies collapse in absence of Bono’s wisdom

Wednesday, May 26th, 2010

He's still one, but he's not the sameStock markets around the world have been sent crashing today following the news that Bono’s back surgery will keep him out of action for up to six weeks. ‘Everyone knows that Bono tells virtually every government in the world what to do’ explained the BBC’s Robert Peston. ‘If he’s out of action no-one will have a clue what they should be doing. The entire global economy could go to rack and ruin.’

Prime Minister David Cameron confirmed that Tuesday’s Queen’s speech was almost cancelled following the news. ‘Fortunately we’d sought Bono’s opinion on most of the proposed bills already, and Bob Geldof was available for a bit of last minute fine-tuning’.

World leaders anxiously await outcome of Grazia editorial meeting

Wednesday, February 10th, 2010

World leaders stood by powerlessly last night as the latest editorial meeting at style bible Grazia sat in judgement on the key issues affecting the globe.

Gordon Brown publishes holiday action photos in bid to woo voters

Tuesday, August 11th, 2009

inspirational leadership on the hoofDowning Street today released a set of photos of Prime Minister Gordon Brown enjoying a series of vigorous outdoors activities while on a family break during the parliamentary recess, in a move which has drawn comparisons with Vladimir Putin’s latest outdoor adventure photoshoot.

In Russia, shots of Putin, stripped to the waist, riding a stallion through scenic Russian countryside, and swimming powerfully in icy cold rivers, led to a supportive press running glowing commentaries suggesting he was the politician many men aspire to be, and women to be with. ‘Who’s to say these spontaneous photos of Gordon, string-vest bared for all to see, masterfully trotting a donkey down Blackpool beach won’t inspire similar feelings?’ asked a Number 10 insider.