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Australia solves rising sea level crisis by giving everyone a surfboard

Writer: Oshaughnessy
Oshaughnessy
8 hours ago


'It's a bonza solution to global warming,' said Australian Prime Minister and digeridoo salesman, Scott Morrison.


If everyone has a surfboard, they don't have to worry about a deluge of water sweeping away their homes. They can ride out the wave to the nearest available patch of hilly ground. What's not too like? I'll even throw in some of my old Kylie CD's if it helps.


There's no way I'm cutting down on coal until at least 2175, despite what I said after seventeen tinnies in the bar at the climate shindig. Here in Australia, we're looking forward to more heat. It just makes lighting up the barbie down by the billabong a whole lot easier. Besides, if all these do-gooders stop us digging up coal, how will we feed our indigenous people?




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First published 7 Nov 2021


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Man converting shed to beach hut in readiness for rising sea levels

Writer: Doctor Chutney
Doctor Chutney
1 day ago


With the threat of rising sea levels and further coastal erosion, the map of the UK could look significantly different in twenty years’ time. A fact that has not escaped the attention of Peterborough resident, Keith Otley who is already taking steps to ensure he doesn’t miss out on the windfall when his home city becomes a seaside resort, despite the fact it is currently some 37 miles from the coast.


“It will happen”, he said confidently, as he painted his garden shed in blue and white stripes. “Forget COP26 and all that nonsense. Promises about as reliable as a Cairngorms snow pile. The sea is coming to Peterborough and I’m putting my beach towels down now.” Mr Otley has already invested in a fat fryer so his wife can perfect battered cod, or whatever plastic substitute will be left in the sea, and bought a donkey for the kiddies.


Asked what would happen if the incoming waters continued on through Peterborough, he pointed to a submarine in his back garden. “Unwanted French job. Got it cheap on Ebay. If this new venture goes under then I guess we’ll have to.”





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First published 6 Nov 2021

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‘Invading Iraq was Lionel’s idea’ reveals younger brother Tony

Writer: NickB
NickB
2 days ago


Lionel Blair was responsible for the British decision in 2003 to invade Iraq, his younger brother Tony has announced. ‘I realise it was the most difficult decision my big brother had to make, apart from turning down a role in It ain’t Half Hot Mum’, the former Prime Minister confided.


‘Lionel and George (Bush) had formed a close relationship based on a shared interest in tap and jazz dancing and genocide,’ the New Labour veteran told a press conference. ‘I was busy working with George Brown on fiscal policy and with Una Stubbs on Give us a Clue at a difficult time when I didn’t have a clue at all.


Then Lionel came back from Washington having made the deal with George. I knew nothing about it till then. I remember it because it was the same night Una taught me how to do Three Men in a Boat with two hands, and just as I sat back exhausted the missiles landing in Baghdad came on the TV and Lionel shouted, ‘Ooh fireworks!’ which I thought was in bad taste.



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First published 5 Nov 2021


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