Gordon the Gopher reveals historic ‘fisting’ abuse
‘Anyone could’ve seen what was going on if only they’d bothered to look in the right place, which was under the table mostly’.
Government now fears ‘extraterrestrial benefit spongers’
‘They’ll probably be concealing illegal migrants from somewhere or other in the solar system just here to scrounge or take our British jobs’
Crufts judges admit ‘we have no idea what we’re looking for’
‘Personally, I’m in favour of awarding rosettes for the least imaginative name, such as ‘Ian’ or ‘dog’.
Sir Ranulph Fiennes’s next challenge to be weekend Ikea expedition
Travelling light, Fiennes will sustain himself on locally-sourced balls of meat similar to beef.
‘Diet lard’ released to combat obesity epidemic
‘When a customer is called ‘lard arse’, they can point to the label and say ‘no, diet lard arse’
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