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Elderly ladies saddened by Burning Nan festival cancellation


'I was looking forward to taking psychotropic drugs, dancing topless then ending it all on a huge conflagration' said Jean Smythe, 81 of Honiton, speaking from a sodden bonfire somewhere in the Nevada Desert. 'Now I wish I had spent the money on purple knitting wool, half an ounce of skunk and a ticket to Zurich.'


Mrs Smythe is one of the hundreds of disappointed Grandmothers who wanted to end it all in a blaze of suicidal glory in the desert at Burning Nan. Many of them are of the generation who attended the first Woodstock or Isle of Wight and older, and some are accompanied by devoted grandchildren.


Jerry Smithers, a first timer at BN said, 'I told my nan she'd get to see and possibly sleep with Brian Poole of Tremeloes fame if she attended, without explaining in detail what the climax of the festival would entail. She was disappointed but put a brave face on it, as that generation always does.


'But I'm gutted as not only have I missed out on inheriting a bungalow near Herne Bay and a Hillman Minx 2 door coupe in drivable condition, I also have to pay for the old girl's return ticket.'


It's thought hundreds if not thousands of nans will go unburnt in Nevada, and US President Joe Biden has been urged to send Mrs Biden to the region as soon as she has finished her jigsaw. Meanwhile, leading Republicans have labelled the refugee grandmas as 'thieves, pimps and murderers.'




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First published 5 Sep 2023


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Zoo closes after Animals Can No Longer Afford To Rent Cages In Bristol City Centre




'It's OK for smaller creatures like meercats - for them it's simples' said Ollie the elephant 'But suitable accommodation for me and my wife Ellie costs a fortune and is a much bigger problem'. 'It's even worse for us' said Ginny giraffe 'We're having a real struggle to find anywhere suitable at all - it's been a real pain in the neck.'


The monkeys, too, are having problems, especially the chimpanzees. 'There's a load of us' said Charlie Chimp 'and we need enough space to sit down at our typewriters, as well as somewhere providing enough peace and quiet to be able to finish writing all these playt - oh, fuck it, I mean plays. Bollocks, now I've got to start from the beginning all over again. Please excuse me.'


The only tenants who seemed less worried were the hyenas, who hoped they might be adopted as domestic pets and therefore not need to rent cages, so would be laughing all the way to the bank.




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First published 4 Sep 2022


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Tumble dryers wondering why they've been ostracized




Inactive tumble dryers are sitting wondering why they no longer get to accept big mouthfuls of damp washing and make them all toasty warm and dry for the humans they live with. Having been entrusted with making towels fluffy for years they are now witnessing the same towels being hung outside on a line with olden days wooden pegs, like some kind of how we used to live re-enactment project or being hung indoors, metres away from them, over an item of furniture called a clothes horse which is not very horsey.


Tumble dryer Roundy McSpinnerson thinks the humans might have forgotten they own him, which is what happened to the steam mop, the ice cream maker and the rice cooker which live on the shelf above. Roundy can see the smalls of the humans he lives with and some of them have gone saggy and a bit discoloured. He thinks this might be a metaphor for Brexit. All the socks are taunting him because he cannot take his one sock sacrifice now they dry lined up in pairs away from his gaping maw. His humans look a bit crumpled because he was good at removing creases from their garments but maybe they now want crunchy, creased clothes and inconvenience.


Roundy used to enjoy the tickling sensation of the fluff he’d created being removed from his innards. He hopes one day to have this attention again.


Photo by Ben Wicks on Unsplash



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First published 3 Sep 2022


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