Council reaps the benefits of using AI

West Wartley District Council has sacked all twenty staff from its complaints department and has replaced them with AI. The council says that early results are 'very encouraging'.

Residents say that the AI is talking through its electronic bottom, and gave us the following examples of rubbish replies:

Dear Mrs Snibbs, thank you for your delectable complaint about potholes. The council has a zero tolerance policy on all drugs, including pot. Accordingly, the council will not be filling the holes with any more pot. Yours recreationally, AI.

Dear Colin, thank you for your letter about dog mess. No-one likes a messy dog. Have you considered dog grooming to tidy them up? Yours thoughtfully, AI.

Dear Brigadier, thank you for your shouty voicemail about speeding motorists. This is a matter for the rozzers. Our data suggests that when the rozzers set up speed traps they mostly catch local drivers, so you have been warned! In addition, the council is considering lowering the speed limit to 10mph. I hope we can count on your support. Your obedient servant, AI.

Dear Swampy, thank you for your letter about the climate emergency. We can all do our bit by reusing candle ends, using recycling bind correctly and by planting more forests. And also by growing your own veg, although there is currently a nine-year wait for an allotment. The council is committing to reducing this wait, subject to the availability of resources. Why not turn your heating down by one degree? The council is committed to achieving net-zero by 2065. The longest journey starts with a single step change. Your philosophically, AI

The residents did admit that although the AI replies were unhelpful and off-topic, they were actually better than those produced by the (now sacked) humans.

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Reform candidate stands down after Cleese accusation

A Reform candidate for the Welsh Sennedd elections has stood down after photographs of him throwing a Nazi salute and holding a comb over his top lip emerged.

'At first I was accused of imitating Hitler and I thought 'cool', Nigel will approve,' he said today. He decided imitating Hitler was OK as 'everybody I know does that, plus it didn't do Prince Harry any harm, did it?'

However, it transpires that the media are comparing him to John Cleese. 'That's beyond the pale, even Reform wouldn't accept him,' he said, announcing his resignation from the elections. 'I don't want to tar moderate racists with the Cleese brush,' he explained.

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Trump backs down on claim he's omnipotent

'I went into the war against Iran believing the regime's leaders would immediately bend to my will, because I'm omnipotent,' boasted a puffed up Donald Trump.

'Weeks went by and they still weren't 'crying uncle'. They were calling me a demented old fool. But all those Tomahawks and suchlike we fired off showed that I'm potent.

'Now Iran's closed the Strait of Hormuz, and I am totally powerless to get it open again without caving into all of its demands.

'So we'll be whittling those words down to a single word: 'impotent',' admitted Trump, flaccidly.

Image credit: perchance.org