Council tells Aldi to take down all the flags

West Wassick District Council has written to its local Aldi store asking them to take down all the flags decorating the store.

A spokesman told us: ‘Many members of the community are distressed by the flags. They are well aware that Aldi was started by two German brothers and that it remains in German ownership. The extravagant displays of Union Flags in store are therefore inappropriate, unsettling and borderline sarcastic.

‘While Aldi may claim that it is ‘Backing British Farmers’ they may have omitted the words ‘Into A Corner’. We fear that their flag waving is more about extracting cash from customers than it is about patriotism.

'The Council has taken steps to paint over flags on mini-roundabouts and to take down flags on lamp posts. We are nothing if not fair, so we are telling Aldi that they need to take their flags down too – to waive the flags, if you like. 

'Don’t say we haven’t got a sense of humour.'

Picture credit: Wix AI

Man accepts that he might be AI

Arthur Jenkins (51) has ‘reluctantly’ accepted that he might no longer be real.

‘I haven’t been watching The Matrix or eating cheese before bed or anything like that’, he told reporters. ‘It’s just that deepfakes are getting so good that I genuinely can’t tell the difference. I saw one yesterday, Nigel Farage in a Russian hat counting out handfuls of roubles, but when I sent it to my girlfriend she said it was AI generated, and then she told me that she’s AI generated. I was gutted. Never had a stunner before.'

Arthur’s ‘girlfriend’ turned out to be some lines of code sitting on a server in California. NewsBiscuit asked her for comment, but she wanted our credit card details, and we don’t have one. Are we real?

Prince Andrew's new shock-jock podcast

An announcement today from the beleaguered Prince Andrew in that he will host a tell-all podcast called 'Stripped' where he will bear all in regard to his troubled history. He will be referred to in the podcast as Andy Windsor and will adopt a posh, shock-jock style.

'Yah, I'm really going to go there,' he said in a video announcement. 'I'm going to blow the lid of all the scandals that have been falsely pinned on me; we'll discuss all the things that keep us up at night, like the deep state and chem trails, and we'll all have some fun with our guests along the way.'

Initial guests are said to include Sarah Ferguson, Prince Harry, Bill Clinton, David Icke, Lee Anderson, Russell Brand and Joe Rogan. Those who have heard the first excerpts say that it is explosive and could rock the Royal Family forever. Subjects discussed were fork and spoon placement gaffes, sweat, Andy's 'Randy List' of women that interest him, the deep Royal state, and an Andrew versus Charles wrestling simulation (Andrew wins by submission).

The first episode will come out before Christmas, and the series will be sponsored by Pizza Express.

Image credit: Titanic Belfast, CC BY 2.0 <https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0>, via Wikimedia Commons. Text added.