Ukraine plot twist - it was all a dream

Keir Starmer and President Zelensky have agreed to use the Pam Ewing peace plan. With this plan, Russia withdraws to its borders, the last 50 years never happened, and Bobby Ewing becomes head of NATO.

Continuity-wise, this means erasing the Putin storyline, but Zelenskyy said he has no problem with that. The entire misstep of the provoking the Russians will be put down too much cheese the night before. The fever dream will allow the show to run for another season-at least until winter kicks in.

Critics have said that the Pam Dream Plan is not plausible, but supporters point out that neither was a Ukraine victory. Some say it is not canon, but Zelenskyy is not very keen on any kind of canon. Meanwhile, the Trump Peace Plan will be repurposed for the EastEnders Xmas special, where everyone dies.

Image credit: Stable Diffusion

Roast Liz for Christmas

M&S is looking to repeat the success of its Colin The Caterpillar cake - the one that vanquished Aldi's inferior copycat Cuthbert cake in the courts.

The M&S super premium 'You're So Worth It' Christmas dinner range now includes Liz the Lettuce. Liz is prepared according to a Nigella recipe and is supplied ready for roasting. Just drizzle with truffle oil and whack her in the oven. It's the perfect accompaniment to the M&S Kwasi the Turkey, which has just the one wing, on the right.

A spokes-elf said, 'Everyone will love roasting Liz this Christmas. We know the price is a disgrace, but It's what she would have wanted.'

Image credit: perchance.org

Train manager entering 7th hour of continuous talking

Passengers on the West Coast line between London and Glasgow have been treated by psychologists after being subjected to an ‘endless barrage of trivia’ from train manager Darren Jones, 32. Their ordeal started when Mr Jones was innocently handed a microphone. NewsBiscuit sent a reporter on the service, but he had to be stretchered off at Oxenholme Lake District station after self-harming. Here is some of the disturbing content he recorded:

‘. . . sandwiches, hot drinks and assorted comestibles. Please note that Coach A is designated a quiet coach. Please refrain from taking phone calls or making loud rustling sounds...’ (trivia continues for several hours).

Mr Jones declined his rest break and continued talking until the service turned around for the return journey. It is understood that he hopes to be ‘discovered’ by a radio station, possibly Radio 2, where he can continue waffling into a microphone instead of playing music.

We asked Avanti for comment, but they were too busy counting their money.

Image credit: Imgsearch.com