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The news written by you…

No one in Cabinet ‘experienced in anything’

Eyebrows were raised when it became clear that the new Secretary of State for Education Nicky Morgan, her Ministers and all the parliamentary under-secretaries were privately educated and thus have no knowledge of the state sector beyond seeing the occasional episode of Waterloo Road.

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Nonces ‘appalled’ by allegations that some might be MPs

‘I haven’t been able to sleep since these allegations started. What will my family think of me? I can’t leave my own home – kids have painted ‘MP scum’ on my front door.

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A&E depts missed targets for selling over priced Wispa bars for a whole year

In a crushing blow to the NHS balance of payments, it has been revealed today that all targets for the sale of curly ham sandwiches and ‘slightly foxed’ chocolate bars from dispensing machines in Casualty departments have been completely missed.

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Met Office issues amber ‘nyah, nyah, ne-nyah, nyah’

A spokesman from the Met Office admitted today that the earlier warning to ‘stay indoors’, particularly on Friday, was simply a ruse to clear the roads for their staff.

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Foreign students thrive in UK heatwave

The seasonally warm weather is giving those hosting teenagers from southern Europe welcome respite from incessant whinging.

‘Pedro and Sebastian are well mannered, lovely lads’ said Mrs Brown, 45, of Worthing. ‘However, we get pretty fed up with them constantly whining that they’re cold when it’s a positively balmy 19 degrees. They just do not get the concept of a good vest and cardigan.’

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