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Police arrest man who failed to be devastated by Cilla’s death

A 54-year-old man from Kent is being questioned by police after showing complete indifference towards the death of national treasure, Cilla Black. The man was forcibly removed from his place of work yesterday after colleagues said he displayed an utter lack of mawkishness during the live broadcast of ‘our Cilla’s’ funeral.

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Non-queueing licence renewed for BMW drivers

The Department of Transport has confirmed that BMW drivers will continue to be exempt from queueing at roadworks for a further year. ‘We try to give a good half mile notice of lane closures so that non-BMWs can get out of the way, enabling BMWs to get straight to the bottleneck without waiting,’ a spokesman explained.

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Every possible cookbook already published

Researchers at London’s Royal Institute for Domestic Sciences has announced that a matrix algorithm they devised, taking in factors such as food type, geography, level of expertise, celebrity type, history and diet fads, has proved conclusively that every single combination of cookbook is now available at any time to anyone in the world in any form.

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Mary Berry no longer to be trusted with state secrets

After the public outcry surrounding a Radio 2 appearance in which Mary Berry prematurely revealed the name of the next contestant to exit the Great British Bake Off, FBI director James Comey has been forced to provide a statement clarifying her relationship to national security.

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Black and White Minstrels come out in support of Shaun King

‘We shamefully at on our hands during the Rachel Dolezal controversy, ‘ said a spokesman for the popular sing and dance troupe, ‘but now another of our brothers is being victimised for not being truly black, or even blackish, so we have to stand up and be counted … in, one, two three.. oh, de mixed up races sing dis song, doo dah..’

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