NewsBiscuit

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UKIP to throw out all Anglo-Saxon immigrants

After the publication of the most detailed genetic map of the UK, Nigel Farage has reiterated his aim to remove all immigrants from the UK, starting with those French and Germans who have been invading our sacred isles since, at least, before 1066.

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‘Bagel on Board’ badges to help fat women get seats on commuter trains

An etiquette conundrum will be solved next week, with the introduction of a new badge for women bus and train travellers. Up until now it has sometimes been impossible, without asking, to know whether to offer female passengers a seat. The big question: Pregnant? Or Fat?

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‘Whoever smelt it dealt it’, claims Assad, denying use of chemical weapons

Syrian president Bashir Assad has denied dropping chlorine gas on a town in the northeast of the country, citing an outdated technicality in international law. The clause, which dates back to 1873, states: ‘whoever smelt it dealt it,’ implying that rebel groups might have released the harmful gas themselves, presumably in order to gain international support.

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Man with funny t-shirt collection arrives in Hell

Large crowds have gathered today at Hell’s gates welcoming Louisiana native Mark Casperson, whose vast collection of clothing items bearing humorous inscriptions got the 65 year-old accountant sentenced to a horrific eternity of torture and despair.

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Islamic State leader remains calm over sub-standard mayo sandwich

Although specifically asking for no mayonnaise on the sandwich he ordered yesterday evening following a long, stressful day, Islamic State leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi was disappointed to find that someone had not paid enough attention to his orders and completely drenched the whole thing in sauce.

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