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‘Twelve Angry Non-Gender-Specific People’ heads for West End

In a commitment to addressing inequality, English theatres are to stage an extensive programme of gender-neutral plays, including ‘The Importance of Being Chantelle’, ‘Romeo and Juliet Live with Sally and Margaret’ and ‘A Man for All Seasons But a Woman for All the Days Ending in Y’.

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Ryanair offers budget air strikes

Ryanair today announced today that it would offer economy air strikes on extremist positions, if they happened to be along existing flight paths. ‘We get people to where they need to go,’ said CEO Michael O’Leary, ‘and if those people happen to be air-to-surface missiles that need to go up some nutcase’s arse, then we can accommodate them at the lowest price.’

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Pavements to be made from mulch

‘Dog ends, ciggy packets, vomit and, of course, copious dog shit, that’s what the public thinks is suitable for leaving on the pavement,’ said the newly appointed Pavements Minister, Sebastian Fanshaw MP. ‘And no pavement has seen a sweeper in years, so no wonder we’re constantly slipping on part-composted crap.’

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MoD unveils ‘Tramp Army’

‘Tramps make excellent soldiers,’ Fallon said. ‘They are experts in urban survival techniques, they can survive in the field on as little as four cans of Special Brew per day and it’s actually funny watching them fight.’

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Osborne ‘is Gimp Man’, say Essex rumours

‘It must be him,’ said 20-year-old mother of five, Chantelle Smith. ‘It stands to reason, don’t it? We all know what these Eton boys get up to in their spare time and I ain’t seen him on the telly recently, even with all that Scotch thing going on.’

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