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Cameron says UK economy not doing so well now

Wearing ripped clothes, and in bare feet, the Prime Minister addressed EU leaders directly asking them ‘Would you like to buy a Big Issue?’

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Overweight hospital staff to be kept in trim by Benny Hill-style chases

Matrons, staff sisters and ward orderlies who are overweight will be chased round hospital premises by chubby Liberal Democrat peers with glasses in an attempt to head off an obesity crisis within the NHS, David Cameron has pledged

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Boko Haram ‘broke speed dating protocols’

‘In many respects, it’s ideal for us,’ said a spokesman. ‘It’s time-efficient, there’s no need for introductions and we can get right down to the business of dumping the lady in a sack. Nothing says fun-loving guy like a fundamental hatred of Western civilisation.’

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Parallel world lacks parallel bars

Dr Micky Schmidt of NASA says Earth2 has Hollyoaks, Subbuteo, Partick Thistle, the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans, bees, both Brian Coxes and headlines dominated by a gravy woman who has just died

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Premier League to outsource match production to India

‘The move will mean we will be able to hold season ticket prices,’ said a spokesman. ‘Admittedly fans will have to travel to the sub-continent to actually watch the matches, but the brands will be the same and that is what really matters.’

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