ECB to clamp down down players having a life.

The England and Wales Cricket Board are looking to recruit a team of carers to look after the England men’s squad.

The duties of the carers will include tucking the players up in bed at 11 pm, all year round, and locking the door to their room from the outside in order to keep them in check. They may read them a bedtime story if requested to do so. Should any player manage to get out of the locked room, tasering is a possibility.

Said an ECB Spokesman, who didn’t want to be named after the week he’s had, and because no-one likes a posh twat,

‘It’s quite unacceptable for England cricketers, especially the captain, to want a life outside of cricket. Going out after a victory and getting attacked by a rugby thug is totally unbecoming of any professional sportsperson, and it’s just not cricket. One meets all sorts of reprobates, not just rugger players, at that time of night.'

Phase two of the crackdown is thought to be a potential ban on any contact with their families at any time during the English season or on tour, and no pudding if they don’t eat their greens, though the spokesman refused to comment on this.

Dr Who likely on hiatus for a long time

The BBC has confirmed that an expensive Christmas special will not now be shown. A spokesman said, 'Russell T has made the plotline entirely too weird. Fans will not accept that the next Doctor is a combination of Billy Piper's body, Tom Baker's voice and the holographic face of William Hartnell. Nor will they accept a cross between Kryten from Red Dwarf, Orac from Blake's Seven, and an openly trans gay black naked llama as the next companion. Now that we've lost the Disney money, the only part of that that's affordable is Orac.

'We understand that the production company confidently expects to receive new and passably decent scripts real soon now. They are apparently being sent from the future by true believers in the franchise. The new scripts will resolve all the current plot holes, bring back the Daleks in a form that means the can use keyboards, coffee machines and all sorts. And the new scripts will appeal to young and old, be scary but not too scary, and will have a lot less gay stuff going on.

A production assistant is waiting for the new scripts by the fax machine, right now. At least I think it's a fax machine. Did it just move...?

West Ham 'going down', takes on sinister meaning

Accusations of misconduct by co-owner, David Sullivan, has created horrendous double meanings for the team. 'I'm forever blowing bubbles' is less of a chant, more of a witness statement. Despite denials, Sullivan's claret and blue handsy armsy is cause of much gossip. Claimed one season ticket holder, "The Championship will be as a difficult to get out as a Sullivan clinch."

Loyal fans still yell, 'Come on you Irons!', while his lawyer quickly countered, 'Come on who? My client denies everything'. Normally the chant 'Sit down if you hate Tottenham' gets the whole stadium rooted to their seats, now there is a similar effect when any police officer asks them to stand up if you think Sullivan is innocent. Said one witness, 'The only tackle I should have to see, is the one on the pitch.'