The news written by you…

Katie Price to open second vagina

Katie Price, owner of the celebrity world’s busiest vagina, has announced plans for an additional vagina to help cope with the demand on her existing front bottom. Vagina2, as it will be known, will be situated to the north of vagina1 and is expected to serve up to half a million passengers a year, almost double that of vagina1.

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RSPB should ‘stick to their own’, warns RSPCA

The ‘Give nature a home’ TV advertising campaign launched by the Royal Society for the Protection of Birds (RSPB) has prompted a few heavies from the Royal Society for the Protection of Cruelty to Animals (RSPCA) to have a ‘quiet word’ with their counterparts at the RSPB to warn them of the potential danger of ‘stepping on our manor’.

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Genes blamed for increasingly unfortunate Freudian slips

‘My family are understandably prone to Freudian slips,’ explained Lord Freud, after saying disabled people should be kept in kennels, paid 3p an hour and sent up chimneys to eat soot before being put out of their misery by privatised NHS death squads.

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Prince Andrew may wink out of existence unless believers clap hands

The Duke of York may cease to exist unless the public becomes specifically aware of him, it has emerged. Once second in line to the throne, there’s now ‘more chance of Nick Griffin converting to Islam’ than of King Andrew, say Ladbrokes. And everybody else.

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Major police operation after Farage missing from news for ten minutes

Police have said they are ‘desperately concerned’ for the welfare of UKIP leader Nigel Farage after he was reported missing from the news ten minutes ago.

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