Trump deploys ICE agents to Iran for crowd control training

World-leading anti-Christ, Nobel Prize winner, and U.S. President Donald Trump has announced his beautiful ICE guys need 'elite international training' in the art of protest suppression.

Addressing a visibly confused press conference onboard Air Force One, Trump said America no longer set the gold standard in state-sanctioned brutality. 'The USA is the number one nation in history — but thanks to Biden, we’re slipping. We’re behind North Korea, we’re behind China, and we’re behind some place called Turkmenistan. I’ve never been there, nobody’s been there, but apparently they’re very good at killing their own people. Very tremendous numbers.'

Trump went on to criticise his own security forces for what he described as a 'pathetic performance'.

'Our guys have only killed thirty-two pro-Biden left-wing activists so far in custody. Thirty-two. And only one shot in the head. One! That’s not even trying. That’s like community policing. The Iranians? You step outside in Tehran, and you’re basically worm food in a box. That’s what you call leadership.'

The president concluded by unveiling what he called a 'historic new political movement'.

'If the Iranians, Xi, Turk-whatever and Putin can murder people indiscriminately, then frankly, #metoo.

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King's speech to feature unprecedented honesty

Panic is rising in Westminster as it has become clear that the forthcoming King's speech will break with tradition and tell it how it is.

The monarch is normally expected to read out a text which has been agreed beforehand by civil servants and the royal staff.

But this year Charles has let it be known that he wants to deliver a more truthful assessment of the state of politics in his Kingdom.

A leaked excerpt from the speech reads:

'I wish to apologise to you, my subjects, that my governments, over the past few years, have fallen short of the standard expected by the British people. You deserve better. The highest positions of power in the country have been occupied by fools, corrupt chancers, narcissists and foreign agents. And those were the sane ones.'

Keir Starmer is reported to be asking for political asylum in China.

And Donald Trump has posted that he wants to Make England Great Again, or 'MEGA'. But not, he emphasised, by regaining its colonies in America. Maybe by invading Ireland, where they mostly speak English, so it would just be like Russia's special military operation in Ukraine.

Image credit: perchance.org

Bill Gates denies Virus update

According to the Epstein Files, Mr. Gates may have inadvertently got some Malware and Femaleware on his dongle. The billionaire denied using his RAM stick with a Russian interface, but struggled to explain why his joystick was covered in weeping sores.

The accusations have seen Microsoft shares plummet, but antibiotic sales have increased. The Epstein Island has also been referred to as one big Teams Breakout Room. While Mr. Gates wife has divorced him, citing an unwelcome probe request.

An Epstein survivor alleged: ‘He came at me covered in thermal paste. He said he was mounting his rock hard drive, through the backdoor, but I refused to get involved with his sticky fingers and Hotfix.'

Image credit: Wix AI