And then went to a toga party dressed as a goat
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Brand new variation on very old joke. Trumpy McTrumparse decides to celebrate his 2nd inauguration by inviting The Queen. Johnson and his toadies agree so poor Liz has to go. The Orange One decides to ride through Washington in an open Landau, pulled by 4 of the finest horses in America. Unfortunately, as they ride through the crowds, one of these lets rip with an almighty, if silent fart. As the fumes go back over the two passengers the stench pricks even T's nostrils and he notices Liz's nose start to twitch. He remembers a word he once knew - embarrassment - and says, 'Gee Liz, I'm really sorry about that.' She replies, 'No apology needed, it's only to be expected. In fact I thought it was one of the horses.'
Posted 5 months ago # -
Remember all the Sat Nav jokes from a few years ago? The two I remember are
I bought a Bonnie Tyler Sat Nav - I got lost in France after it kept telling me to turn around, and every now and then it falls apart
So then I bought a U2 Sat Nav - all the streets have no name and I still haven't found what I'm looking for
Posted 5 months ago # -
Man goes into an empty chippy. Nevertheless he stands in the doorway and then shuffles slowly towards the counter taking at least ten minutes to reach it. When he gets there the proprietor says.
"Yes, mate?"
"Fish supper, please," says man.The proprietor makes up the fish supper and hands it across the counter to the man. The man looks around behind and notes no one else has entered the chip shop before turning back then decking the proprietor.
A greengrocer across the road sees what's happened and calls the police who arrive within seconds. They find the proprietor mopping his bloody nose with a towel while the man sits at one of the tables eating his fish supper.
"OK, who hit you?" askes the cop.
"Don't know, the shop was crowded," says the proprietor.Posted 4 months ago # -
Walter's full stop joke reminded me of this old one. New prisoner arrives and is confused when others start laughing on hearing numbers. Old lag explains the inmates got tired of hearing the same old jokes so decided to make a catalogue, giving each one a number so you could save time just saying the number.
Can I try?
Sure.
251
No one laughs
What's the problem?
Listen. 251.
Bursts of laughter.
How come?
It's not just the joke but how you tell 'em.
Can I try again?
Sure.
9,999
Huge peals of hysterical laughter.
That must be a good one.
It's one they've never heard before.Posted 3 months ago # -
Granger: in the version of the 'numbered prison jokes' story which I heard, when the newcomer was invited to tell a joke and said '47!' there was a shocked silence. An old lag took him to one side and explained 'This may be a prison, but even we have our limits. I'm afraid that was an absolutely disgusting joke, and completely unacceptable here.'
But your version is every bit as good.
Oh, and '108'. An oldie but a goodie.
Posted 3 months ago # -
I went down to our local butcher just before Christmas.
I noticed that one of the young lads that was always behind the counter was nowhere to be seen.
I spoke to the oldest member of the butchery family - "Where's that young lad that's usually here? I think you could do with everyone helping out at this time of year."
"Oh, don't talk about him. I don't want to even think about it", was the grumpy reply.
"Why? What happened?"
He drew me to one side, up at the far end of the counter.
"You won't believe it. One morning we came in here to open up. And he was already in here. In the back shop. And ...", he shuddered at the memory, " ... he was sticking his knob into the bacon slicer."
"What!?", I gasped.
"Yeah. Disgusting it was. Gave him some sort of weird thrill, I guess. So we just told him, straight off, pack your things. You're out of here. We're not having that sort of behaviour in this shop. So that's why he's not here today."
"No, indeed. Well, I completely understand." I paused, not sure how to continue.
"Could I just ask ... what did you do about the bacon slicer?"
"Oh, you needn't worry about that," said the old man, "we sacked her too."Posted 3 months ago # -
'Come on dear, it's time for school'
'But I don't want to go to school'
'Why don't you want to go to school?'
'Because I hate it'
'Why do you hate it?'
'I hate it because all the pupils hate me and all the teachers hate me'
'Well I'm sorry dear, but you've got to go to school'
'Why have I got to go to school?
'Because you're the headmaster'
Posted 3 months ago # -
Strangely Biden's inauguration has reminded me of an old joke related about Freddy Truman. Fiery Fred was not really renowned for his batting and usually went in 10/11. On this occasion the 'batsman' ahead of him survived only 3 balls from a ferocious fast bowler. Over to you, he said to Fred as he walked out. When Fred was bowled first ball, the other guy decided to make a point and asked, what happened. Fred's reply - my foot slipped in that heap of shit which you left in the crease.
Posted 2 months ago # -
Posted 2 months ago #
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