As he fought his last battle with bowel cancer, 57-year-old Swindon accounts manager Raymond Carruthers always knew what his last wish was for: 'I want a hand job off Cheryl Cole. That would be the ultimate happy finish', he said. Alas, it was not to be his family are now slating the 'callous' Geordie songbird for letting Carruthers die in misery.
'We emailed her management - no answer. We rang the X-Factor office - they just sniggered,' said Carruthers' grieving brother Brian. 'A quick tug was all my brother wanted but Little Miss Hoity-Toity the nation's sweetheart is obviously too busy to bother about her fans these days. Raymond loved her, even though he was first diagnosed in 2002 when Girls Aloud were formed. That might be a coincidence, of course, I'm just saying.'
According to analysts, Cole's attitude is symptomatic of an alarming decline in the willingness of pop stars to meet their followers' heartfelt wishes over the past 50 years. A recent report by Charles Murray-Jones, Professor of Dappy From N Dubz Studies at the University of Leicester, noted that the Rolling Stones combined had sex with over 200 groupies on one three-week tour in 1968. 'Today, the likes of Justin Bieber can't even manage one,' said Murray-Jones sadly.
Brian Davison remains unable to accept Cole's excuse for not battling the purple yogurt slinger. 'A nice smile and a quick tug was all he wanted. Oh, and a cheerleader outfit. I bet she wasn't so picky for Mr Ashley la-de-da Cole. What did he have that my brother didn't? Other than a multi-million pound mansion, ten Bentleys, a well-ripped six pack and the ability to maintain an erection.'
Not all celebrities are quite so selfish when it comes to painting the flag pole, however. When she heard of Raymond's plight, Katie Price volunteered to drive over to the hospice, oil herself up milk the lizard in and stream it live on her website. 'Unfortunately she wanted to sing as well,' said Brian. 'And we didn't want anything to finish off poor Raymond ahead of her time. But it was a nice thought all the same.'