Prime Minister David Cameron has admitted to trying to leave Jeremy Hunt behind in a pub, a railway station, two airports and a caravan. But despite his best efforts, the young minister has been reunited with the PM on every occasion.
David Cameron first came up with the idea of just leaving Hunt somewhere after reading a warning poster about the dangers of unwanted baggage. “There was a smart picture of a police officer, scowling and promising to blow it up”, he explained. Thinking that a controlled explosion might be a good way of ditching the unacclaimed minister, he bought him a loud, ticking pocket watch, smeared his suit in dog food and left him near a bench in Kings Cross railway station.
“The sniffer dogs found him quite quickly, and he was soon cordoned off”, Cameron went on. “We were hoping that we might have seen the back of him.” Unfortunately, the station falls under News International’s police jurisdiction, and instead of igniting Hunt, he was delivered back to Downing Street in a van.
Cameron wept at a press conference as he explained how the two were reunited, before announcing he had his ‘full and unequivocal support.’ The PM then pointed skywards to an imaginary circling dragon, and ducked behind the lectern, crossing his fingers and closing his eyes.
Hunt claims to enjoy being repeatedly abandoned, especially in pubs with Sky Sports. “David has assured me that we will always be together, as long as I cut my name out of the labels in my clothes, and keep taking a dash of rohypnol in my gin and tonic”, declared Hunt. Cameron has insisted that Hunt takes a separate car to future events, one with the windows blacked out and his head in a bin bag, to avoid him being spotted by any passing memorable land marks.
While Cameron may lack the resolve to actually sack the culture secretary, he is still hoping he might disappear. “There’s always a chance he might lose his memory and find himself on a Russian trawler with a chip in his neck”, conceded Cameron. “But just in case he is found, I’m putting up dozens of ‘unwanted’ posters.”