In an act of vandalism that is described as being ‘as insulting to Geordies as depicting the prophet Mohammed is to Muslims’, Newcastle’s famous Angle of the North has been given a coat. Although no one has yet claimed responsibility for the stunt, a Facebook group called ‘Red Bull gave her wings, but The Black Cats kept her warm’ has left many Geordies blaming Sunderland.
This latest escalation in hostilities between the northern cities has led to the Geordie Seperatist Group (GSG) putting it’s ‘Toon Army’ on standby. Historical tensions between the two cities have been continuous since the early 1900’s when The Black Cats helped the disputed territory of South Shields gain independence. The Toon Army have always claimed their rivals had been ‘backed by the state’ receiving help from Westminster.
Speaking through an interpreter at the groups base, the ‘Sportsdirect.com@ St James’ GSG training camp’, their spokesman told us ‘this act is only the latest in a long line of provocative actions that has left us with no other option but to prepare for battle. South Shields is like our West Bank’ he continued, ‘and after they took Northern Rock from us, we now have no banks left. To add insult to injury, they took away all its ‘Geordie identity’ by renaming it ‘Virgin’’.
The government have always denied taking sides in the Tyne and Wear war stating that any dispute north of Watford is not of their concern. But that has not stopped some loyal Geordies blaming them for the recent ‘coat protests’. Until recently it was perfectly legal for Geordies to be topless 365 days a year. However, after pressure from London for some public decency , the decision was taken to restrict toplessness in public to specific dates including the Queens Birthday, St Ant and Dec Day, and the anniversary of Newcastle FC winning the 1955 FA Cup.’
The Angel of the North, which is seen as a symbol of the Newcastle, was presented to the city by Robert Llewellyn after it’s construction on an episode of ‘scrapheap challenge‘. During a press conference, GSG vowed to retaliate to the ‘coating’ of the Angel by targeting London landmarks such as Buckingham Palace, the Houses of Parliament and bizarrely a London Optician. It was at this point a journalist from the capital was attacked after the group accused him of ‘taking the piss’ for asking ‘Why the Eye Man?’
Hat-tips to Waylandsmithy, Sinnick and Jessie Bigg