Ex Prime Minister Tony Blair has announced his intention to stand for the vacant position of Pope, following the resignation of Benedict XVI.
The move has rocked the Catholic world, not least for the fact that Monsignor Blair has never taken holy vows and is married with children.
"Listen, we in New Catholicism believe that the old Catholic ways can't be taken into the 21st century." said Blair, announcing his candidature.
"Married priests, priests with children - nothing will be excluded. Not even, and look - I know the thought seems incredible now, but one day, y'know, we may even have gay catholic priests. Nothing's impossible."
"In New Catholicism, we intend to break down the stuffiness of the Old Catholic establishment. No more Spanish practices, no more Spanish Inquisitions."
"And that includes the practice of confessions," he said. "Especially confessions."
Continuing his theme of modernisation, M. Blair went on to say, "All the antiquated ways of negotiating, such as late-night communion wine and antipasta talks in Vatican smoke-filled rooms, these will all be a thing of the past under New Catholicism."
"Look, with all the challenges of the 21st Century, especially the threat from the Muslim 'Evil Empire', we can't stay rooted in the past and do nothing. I'll have them all touching cloth and kissing my holy ring before you know it."
M. Blair's campaign strapline is believed to be, "New Catholicism: Prophylactics, Prophylactics, Prophylactics."
He concluded his press conference by saying that, if elected, he would be known as Pope Tony I, adding "Or... y'know, 'Pony' for short."
(Hat-tip to Dick Everyman)
