Thousand year Lib Dem reich ‘inevitable’

A huge Liberal Democrat swing in the Chesham and Amersham by election leaves Sir Ed Davey poised to usher in a thousand year Liberal Democrat Reich.

A party spokesman said ‘We’ll make that bitch Boris cry for his nanny, then approve a third Heathrow runway just to bury Starmer under. Brothers and sisters… Lib Dem 4 life!’

Rumours have swirled that the improvement stems from a ritualised execution of Nick Clegg, as ashes in the shape of a pentagram were seen being hurriedly swept away.

‘His fiery death was required by the great god Osiris to purge the tuition fees debacle.’

All current Liberal Democrat MPs could still fit in one minibus.

Centrist voter Naveed Nasir said ‘In 2010, I voted Lib Dem. I suppose it’s the hope that kills you, unless it’s the flames, or that minibus.’

Sarah Green bye-election win inspires kids of other TV stars

After 1980's kids' TV presenter, Sarah Green, won the Chesham and Amersham by election for the Lib Dems, with a resounding majority, Newsbiscuit has learned that other former children's TV favourites are considering a career in politics.

A spokesperson for broom cupboard loiterer and squeaky hand puppet, Gordon the Gopher, told us that he intends to stand in the Scottish local elections this Autumn, while, we hear, the Krankies and Neil Buchanan are hoping to start their own Scottish independence party, The Fandabidozi Alliance.

They, of course, are not the first TV presenters to enter into a career in politics. Both Brian Waldren and Clement Freud had successful political and television careers and who can forget that time Live and Kicking funny men, Trev and Simon, tried to overthrow the fascist regime in Bolivia in the early 2000s?

Newly elected MP Sarah Green, told our reporter, "I'm not that Sarah Greene. It's not even spelled the same way."

'Emergency Banter Generator' wheeled out for England's next match

BBC Sport has revealed that they are taking the emergency measure of installing their back up 'Banter Generator' along with a fail safe Stereotyping machine, ahead of England's tie with Germany.

The BBC's technology infrastructure manager, Matthew Haddock, described the system in detail. ‘For the past 44 years we've been archiving cliches, stereotypes and facts about Germany to be used at such events, although the project was started much earlier as an off-shoot of Bletchley Park. The Generators will ensure that when Lawro needs to say something about the Germans he won't be lost for words. For example, by typing in the command 'Steven Gerrard, Penalty box' a phrase of ‘Oh my, Steven Gerrard's spending more time in the Germans' box than Steve McQueen in The Great Escape. That film where we beat the Germans in the War that also ended with us beating the Germans’.

The Generator famously broke down during the Euro '96 match-up leaving John Motson completely stranded. He tried a few improvised lines such as ‘The Germans are pushing through the Midfield like...like...like a tank of some sort. Probably a German one.’, and ‘The German defence here just like it was in Iwo Jima back in 1957’. You can understand why we're employing a backup this year.’