GB News only to cover British weather

Britain's newest TV news channel, GB News, has announced that it will only be covering British weather, adding those seeking to find out what's happening on the Costas will have to look elsewhere.

A channel spokesman said: 'Why would anyone want to go abroad when there are sometimes as many as two days a year when our weather comes vaguely close to that of Marbella and all those other so-called holiday hot spots?'

'Britain's got it all here on our doorstep. Rain, hail, wind, fog and mist; with the mercury often rising as high as 9 degrees Celsius in July and August. Add our shabby seaside resorts into the heady mix, with games arcades and mutant flocks of dive-bombing seagulls nicking greasy fish and chips and burgers left right and centre, then what more could anyone want?'

'We won't glamourise European holiday destinations. Why give your hard-earned cash to the Spanish, Portuguese, Greeks or other foreigners? GB News says spend it here and keep our grim, tawdry and rundown resorts flourishing, and in the state of grubby squalour that makes us the talk of the world.'

'So if you want to know what the weather's doing in foreign climes, then you should watch an actual real TV station... err... no... wait a minute... can you cut that bit please?

Did Prince Andrew falsify Pizza Express receipt to secure interview with BBC?

Following the recent controversy over Martin Bashir’s infamous interview with Diana, Princess of Wales, the BBC have decided to hit back by claiming they were duped into agreeing to air the Prince Andrew interview after being provided with what they now believe to be a forged receipt for two Sloppy Giuseppes and a round of diet cokes, supposedly from a Pizza Express in Woking.

In response to his alleged part in the Epstein scandal, when Prince Andrew supplied Newsnight presenter Emily Maitlis with an alibi that was so breathtakingly ludicrous that it couldn’t possibly be made up, except that it almost certainly was, they refused to broadcast it unless the now relegated royal produced some sort of evidence, according to a source at the BBC.

It is reported that Prince Andrew immediately replied, ‘No sweat.’ and promptly pulled what he claimed to be a Pizza Express receipt from his pocket. Whilst it was taken at face value at the time by BBC employees acting in good faith, it is now being re-examined by experts. Results thus far are inconclusive as the receipt has reportedly been damaged by what appears to be profuse perspiration. The inquiry continues.

Senate impeachment trial handed over to Jackie Weaver

Frustrated with successive failures to agree upon the of the U.S. Constitution, the American Senate has agreed to hand over control of the Trump Impeachment trial to Jackie Weaver, of the East Cheshire Association of Local Authorities. The unlikely star of the Handforth Parish Council viral Zoom meeting agreed to step in when senior Republicans failed to follow establish protocols or agree to due process, and she immediately threw out a couple of angry, shouty men who had been arguing about who was in charge of proceedings on Capitol Hill.

‘In my colleague’s defence’ said Senator Ted Cruz, ‘this is the American Senate, Jackie Weaver really does have no authority here.’

However the Republicans and Democrats were unable to move forward on the legality of impeaching a President who was no longer in office, even when Mitch McConnell shouted ‘Read the standing orders! Read them and understand them!’ The Republican leader was then informed that would be shut out of the meaning, until he became reasonable again, which most likely is ‘never.’ Jackie Weaver said that if she had to, she would throw out all the angry old white men. ‘But that’s the entire Republican Party’ said Kevin McCarthy.

Republican Ted Cruz, facing deep embarrassment about his political position - needing to be seen to be supporting the former president, while privately hoping for a Trump prosecution that would help his own political prospects, was so embarrassed that he opted to use a cat face. This was particularly surprising given that he was not on a Zoom call, but in the building itself, but Cruz hoped that given everything else that has happened recently, nobody would think him putting on a cat mask was particular unusual.

Another senator tried to pretend he was stuck on mute, even though he too was in the room for real and this wasn’t very convincing.

Asked if being put in charge of the Senate might risk the power going to her head, Jackie Weaver said ‘I AM GOING TO WIN BIGLY IN 2024, MAKE EAST CHESHIRE GREAT AGAIN!!’ and then groped Nancy Pelosi.