UK Shocked To Discover It Has A Tsar

The entire population of the UK has been left dumbfounded since the breaking news that some bloke responsible for school catch up was actually a Tsar.

'I literally had no idea that we had a supreme ruler from Eastern Europe running our Education Recovery Programme' says Mike from Birmingham 'I can't believe they haven't mentioned this to anyone until now. What a shame he has just quit. I hope they carry on this trend and spice up some other people's titles too'.

Many have taken to Twitter with suggestions, which include: 'Oligarch For Crime And Medieval Punishment' Priti Patel, 'Pharaoh Of Lies' Matt Hancock and 'Emperor Of Evil' Dominic Cummings.

The most popular suggestion is 'Sultan Of Stupidity' Boris Johnson.

Could £1.795m life-saving drug have used cheaper packaging?

Questions are being asked why Novartis Gene Therapies is charging the NHS so much to save a child’s life; was it the redundant child proof cap, was it offering it in banana flavour or was it the choice to make the bottle out of Tiffany diamonds? Big pharma admitted they could have lowered the price but that would have meant limiting their shareholders to one just Learjet each.

Crystal Meth dealers have questioned the company’s ethical code. Accusations of price gouging were dismissed by the CEO ,who sent a message from his private island: ‘There are a lot of costs in developing a new drug. Not least of which was the $3.2 billion spent on marketing, to decide what font we should use. Our drug, Zolgensma, can extend life and not just for venture capitalists – the kids benefit as well. We’re definitely not skimming off the top, we’re also skimming off the bottom and middle.’

In the case of Covid development, Governments paid for the research, distribution and underwrote risk, but big pharma did take on the cost of naming their drugs ridiculous names. Novartis said they were hoping to expand out into Covid prevention, with an affordable vaccine selling at $1 for the first dose and $4,577,838 for the second.

Call of Duty to become Call of Nature

As its userbase enters middle age and incontinence becomes a greater challenge, the makers of Call of Duty have announced a significant upgrade to the game.

‘Our core users have always been men who enjoy warfare but are too scared to actually join the army. Unfortunately they’re getting older and we wanted to reflect the realities of life more accurately’, said a spokesman.

Instead of missions to rescue hostages and kill foreigners, players will now face scenarios involving making a presentation the morning after a vindaloo and fourteen pints of Guinness in a conference centre with only one toilet. Players will have to use a combination of map-reading, martial arts skills and queue-jumping to take a dump before their character reaches ‘Code Brown’.

Other scenarios include surveillance operations prior to a Tinder date with a woman whose photo is clearly fifteen years out of date. Players have to time their Viagra usage expertly, aborting if the date is a grade 3 or 4 minger.

‘The old scenarios were, frankly, a bit daft’ said the spokesman. ‘We think that middle-aged men will be able to relate to the new scenarios. My fave is the one in IKEA where you have to give your guard the slip, bypass bedroom furniture, evade the one-way system and make it to the café before the meatballs run out. After practising online for a few hours I was able to do it in real life.

‘Let’s face it, middle-age life is shit. If we can make circling the plughole seem like an adventure, that’s a result, isn’t it?’