Producers of ‘Middle-age Love Island’ give up and go home

At a no-expense-spared, fully-accessible villa on the sun-kissed Isle of Wight, a TV production crew and twenty contestants on the show 'Middle-Age Love Island' are packing their bags and going home. Executive Producer Martin Jackson explains, ‘The contestants were a nightmare. It was too hot during the day so all they did was sleep, but then it was too hot at night and they were wide awake, moaning about being wide awake.'

'We had to use the bleep button to cover all the involuntary body noises being emitted and conversations were so heavily edited for offence, all that was left to broadcast was a pack of adults tum-ti-tumming, whistling random tunes or making exertion grunts whenever they moved. There was nothing happening sexually, any fumblings under a duvet were usually to find glasses or elbow snorers, that’s not good TV.’

‘Re-couplings involved pairings matched with compatible medications. We did manage to get one new couple on a date and they never spoke. In fact, for two of the days no one spoke at all! When they did it was to boast about the achievements of their progeny, which ended up in tit-for-tat snobbery.’

‘The bickering was good TV at first, but after they divided the villa up between separate groups and began to build fences we said enough is enough. I’m putting this whole sorry episode behind me, I’m sure we’ll have more fun in Thailand with ‘Goth Nihilism Cave’.

Starmer ‘listening’ tour, third on the bill after Showaddywaddy

Sir Keir has decided to tour the UK, in order to hear how people from lots of different regions ‘don’t like him very much’. Listening to the concerns of voters, will enable him to understand that regardless of demographic or political leanings, everyone thinks he is a bit of a numpty.

The tour itself is a little bit underwhelming, with Sir Keir only allowed a five-minute set ahead the main acts – a Timmy Mallett lookalike and a variety entertainer who swallows spoons. Starmer’s own 90s revival - The Blair Witch Tribute Band – only has one song, which no wants to hear.

Each performance culminates in a theatrical focus group, complete with pyrotechnics and questions such as - ‘if the Labour Party was a jelly, what flavour would it be?’. Unsurprisingly questions like ‘why am I so sh$t?’ do not illicit the sympathetic response that Sir Keir was hoping for but tend to lead to the focus group just shrugging and saying, ‘you tell me’.

The most embarrassing moment of the tour came when Keith (sic) held a focus group for members of his own family, who subsequently claimed never to have heard of him. His agent explained: ‘This tour is about Keith reconnecting with his fans, but that presupposes there was a connection in the first place’.

Britons returning from Staycations to self isolate

The government has noted that the UK has the highest incidence of covid in Europe and with immediate effect the whole of the UK is being put on Amber Plus alert status,' said a government spokesperson today.

'We are particularly concerned with the amount of UK residents taking a staycation, as by definition they are taking a holiday in one of the most highly infected regions in the world,' he added. 'From midnight tonight all Britons returning from a staycation, even if it was in their back garden, will have to self-isolate for ten days and pay for a PCR test.'

The Treasury has admitted that the new policy will hit the economy hard but a spokesman for the Treasury added that 'with everyone in the UK having to pay for the PCR tests sometime over the summer the initiative will probably be cost neutral for the government, and especially welcome for friends of the Cabinet who have been awarded PCR test supply contracts.'