Duchess of Cambridge self-isolating after wearing same jacket twice

Her Royal Highness The Duchess of Cambridge has been forced to spend ten days isolating in her poky 20-room apartment at Kensington Palace after she was photographed in a jacket that she had worn more than once. This unforgivable faux pas is being blamed on an aide whose primary role is to burn every pre-worn item in a special furnace on the grounds of the Palace. The hapless aide mixed the jacket up with Kate’s new range of single-use designer apparel, which led to the future Queen being placed in such a harrowing predicament.

Kate reportedly barricaded herself in her own private chamber shortly after the incident and is refusing to wear anything at all until every item of her clothing has been destroyed as a safety precaution and replaced with brand new outfits by her tailor, who has been working round the clock ever since. The former aide, who was last seen being accompanied down to the royal furnace by two burly footmen, was not available for comment.

Chaos and confusion as Matt Hancock attends cabinet meeting

In a leaked transcript of the latest Tory Cabinet meeting, it appears chaos and confusion ensued when ministers found Matt Hancock already seated at the table.

‘Hi guys,’ he said to his dumbfounded former colleagues. ‘God, it’s great to be back. That break was just what I needed, but here I am refreshed and ready to tackle this ruddy pandemic, if you’ll pardon my French!’

Silence fell on the room, as Mr Hancock continued to grin and look desperately at the Prime Minister.

It was Michael Gove who broke the silence, saying: ‘But, Matt, you resigned as a minister, you resigned from the Cabinet.’

‘Oh, that! Well, it’s been a fair few days now, surely that whole affair has blown over now, no pun intended,' Mr Hancock said. 'I mean it’s not as though you had to sack me, not really. And Boris, you said in your letter that my contribution to public service was far from over.’

Mr Johnson responded by saying: ‘Oh, err, crikey,’ before going on to repeat a number of comments about the vaccine rollout and Latin phrases.

Man has nervous breakdown trying to open liquid hand wash

A man has been caught in a serious altercation with a liquid hand wash after repeatedly trying to turn the pump action cap to no avail. Mike, 42, spent three days solid attempting to twist the lid in the right direction. He reportedly pummeled the hand wash to ‘within an inch of its life’ before eventually collapsing in a heap on the bathroom floor having suffered a mental breakdown.

Mike is now being cared for in a secure facility. His partner, Kate, saw this coming for a long time: ‘If it hadn’t been the hand wash, it would have been the child-proof cap on the mouthwash or the allegedly ‘resealable’ pasta bags. Mike was constantly plagued by his inability to work basic packaging. He did his best, but unfortunately he suffered terribly with clumsy sausage fingers so it was only a matter of time before it pushed him over the edge.

The worst part is that he didn’t realise the hand wash was actually one of those refillable tubs so it didn’t have a pump action at all. He was trying to achieve the impossible. What an awful waste – it was the expensive stuff too’.