Boris, Gove & Hancock pen new England anthem: Three Liars On My Shirt

Massive England footie fans & world-leading purveyors of misleading facts and figures to the public, Boris Johnson, Michael Gove and all round fondling disgrace Matt Hancock, have gone all sporty, literally all of a sudden.

‘Absolutely bloody love footie,’ said Boris, ‘particularly when we thrash Merkel and her evil henchmen at das oik ball. This is exactly why I let three thousand Spanish Johnnie chappies over here last year to boost the atmosphere at Anfield, give them a damn good thrashing and give the virus an almighty boost for good measure.’

‘Absolutely bloody love bloody footie,’ enthused Michael Gove (aged nine and a half). ‘I’ve been an almighty big fan of Arsenal Hotspur for years, and I love the booing, especially from Sarah when I’m out for a jog. I can’t get enough of it, frankly.’

‘Bloody well absolutely bloody love bloody footie,’ said Matt ‘gigolo’ Hancock. Having us three liars on an England shirt and writing a song about it is an almighty dream come true.’

‘Let’s see. How does it go now? Oh yes – three liars on my shirt, footballs coming home…er…but not the wife, obvs.’

Dumfries and Galloway Council sue George Galloway for bringing the name Galloway into disrepute.

Renowned pot stirrer and Iraq “expert” George Galloway has launched a legal challenge against himself for being a total tool. Legal experts, including Clementine Carruthers have dismissed the suit as frivolous. ‘He’s definitely a tool. Case closed.’ she shouted, venomously hammering a gavel.

Galloway also lost his case against expulsion from the Fedora Association of Britain. A FAB spokesman said ‘The NDA means the amount of compensation we received has to stay under our hat.’

Woman emigrates after waving at someone who was waving at someone behind her

A woman has been forced to leave the country after mistakenly waving at someone who was actually waving at the person behind her.

‘It all happened so fast’ explains a tearful Lucy ‘I was just making my way through the pub when I saw someone waving from the other side of the room. I thought it was my friend Jenny so I enthusiastically waved back. Then I realised I had made a terrible mistake. It wasn’t Jenny at all, it was just a woman with similar hair.’

‘Then everything happened in slow motion; I turned around to confirm what I already knew – the woman was actually waving at the person behind me. I tried to pass off my raised hand as a casual head scratch but it was pointless. The game was up and I had to face the truth – that I would have to live with the shame for the rest of my life.’

‘Later that night I booked myself on the next available flight out of the UK. I plan to travel to a remote convent, become a nun and never speak of that terrible day again.’

None of Lucy’s friends or family have heard from her since this time. They are desperate for her to get in touch, as it turns out the woman in the pub WAS waving at her after all. ‘Apparently they were at school together,’ explains Lucy’s friend Jenny ‘I would have thought Lucy would remember her, she has such distinctive, awful hair.’