War Office denies Crimea plans jeopardised by secrets leak

A spokesperson briefing on behalf of Lord Cardigan said today that the discovery of top secret plans at a Hansom Cab rank would not affect the forthcoming military operations in Crimea. The documents, titled ‘Operation Valley of Death’ apparently described a cunning plan on how to neutralise Russian defences.

Reconnaissance has allegedly determined that there would be cannon to the left and and cannon to the right. The obvious solution was therefore to despatch a crack elite squadron (which reliable sources have identified as the Light Brigade) straight down the middle.

Asked about the possible impact on trooper morale as a result of this leak, the spokesperson added ‘Theirs not to reason why’

Matt Hancock awards contract to be his wife to close friend.

More later.

Husband starts up jogging. Suspicious wife plans divorce.

The marital harmony of Maya and Evan Jutson, was thrown into turmoil when Evan (41) declared that he was going to ‘dig out’ the rusted exercise bike from the shed. Things progressed from strange to alarming, when he subsequently started cutting back on his cheese consumption, trimming his nose hairs and wearing spandex shorts in the garden.

Maya (38) became increasingly concerned that Evan was cheating on her, the moment he started jogging to the off-license and singing along to Grime music. This was further enforced when her husband demanded decaffeinated coffee, his own hand lotion and that she explain Snapchat to him.

Like with so many British industries, Evan had been in a managed decline for years. Yet, he had seemed happy to fall into the warm, beckoning embrace of own mortality. ‘He’d accepted growing old,’ she commented. ‘But now this sudden lease of life, what has he got to be so optimistic about? It has to be another woman or he’s been radicalized by ISIS. I want the old Evan back. And his life insurance’.

Evan had a very different perspective: ‘I’m just keeping Maya on her toes. Simple misdirection. I give the impression that I am interested in life, by occasionally mentioning kale smoothies or taking up rumba classes. And while she’s all discombobulated, I can upgrade the TV sports channel without her noticing’.