Updated: Jun 21, 2022
Conspiracy theorists are mystified as to the cause of the demise of US diplomat Donald Rumsfeld. They are demanding to know if he died of something we do know about, or do not know about. Or was it that he didn’t die of something we do know about or something that we do not know about?
One leading theorist commented: ‘There are things we know we know. But we also know there are known unknowns. So for all that I know, then who knows?’
Updated: Jun 21, 2022
A man has been caught in a serious altercation with a liquid hand wash after repeatedly trying to turn the pump action cap to no avail.
Mike, 42, spent three days solid attempting to twist the lid in the right direction. He reportedly pummeled the hand wash to 'within an inch of its life' before eventually collapsing in a heap on the bathroom floor having suffered a mental breakdown.
Mike is now being cared for in a secure facility. His partner, Kate, saw this coming for a long time: 'If it hadn't been the hand wash, it would have been the child-proof cap on the mouthwash or the allegedly 'resealable' pasta bags. Mike was constantly plagued by his inability to work basic packaging. He did his best, but unfortunately he suffered terribly with clumsy sausage fingers so it was only a matter of time before it pushed him over the edge.
The worst part is that he didn't realise the hand wash was actually one of those refillable tubs so it didn't have a pump action at all. He was trying to achieve the impossible. What an awful waste - it was the expensive stuff too'.
In a leaked transcript of the latest Tory Cabinet meeting, it appears chaos and confusion ensued when ministers found Matt Hancock already seated at the table, despite him resigning last week
'Hi guys,' he said to his dumbfounded former colleagues. 'God, it’s great to be back. That break was just what I needed, but here I am refreshed and ready to tackle this ruddy pandemic, if you’ll pardon my French!'
Silence fell on the room, as Mr Hancock continued to grin and look desperately at the Prime Minister.
It was Michael Gove who broke the silence, saying: 'But, Matt, you resigned as a minister, you resigned from the Cabinet.'
'Oh, that! Well, it’s been a fair few days now, surely that whole affair has blown over now, no pun intended,” Mr Hancock said. “I mean it’s not as though you had to sack me, not really. And Boris, you said in your letter that my contribution to public service was far from over.'
The entire Cabinet turned to Boris Johnson. 'Well? What do you think big man? Rishi Sunak asked.
Mr Johnson responded by saying: 'Oh, err, crikey,' before going on to repeat a number of comments about the vaccine rollout and Latin phrases.
Sajid Javid reportedly lost his cool at this point. 'Oh for god’s sake! I had to wait over a year to come back to the front bench,' he shouted. 'Are you seriously thinking of letting this moron back in after just a week? I resigned on principle, he resigned as he had become a bloody laughing stock.'
'Steady on Saj, no hard feelings,' said Hancock.
What Mr Javid said in reply has not been redacted but led to him being physically restrained by Dominic Raab. 'Leave it, he’s not worth it Saj,' Mr Raab said, as at the same time Gavin Williamson and Robert Jendrick stood in front of Hancock and told Javid 'he would have to come through us first.' The rest of the Cabinet took sides and began squaring off and shouting at each other.
'Enough, Priti Patel said very quietly, and despite the shouting she was immediately heard. All members of the Cabinet instantly froze.
Mrs Patel led Mr Hancock into the corner and whispered some unknown words into his ear whilst making a few hand gestures. 'Am I understood?' she asked at the end, and a terrified Mr Hancock nodded quickly before collecting his things and scurrying out of the room.
The meeting then resumed and took its normal self-congratulatory course.
Mr Hancock’s current whereabouts are unknown.
