Not so much Churchill as Chaplin: PM's self-styled delusions lambasted

Cries of "where's Boris?" are ringing out across the land, as the self-styled latter-day Churchill is once again conspicuous by his absence, leading many commentators to heap scorn on the hapless PM's attempts to handle a worsening health crisis.

"What? Boris is like a latter day Churchill? Do me a favour. Don't you actually mean Charlie Chaplin?" guffawed one senior TV political correspondent.

However, a source close to No. 10, who wished to remain anonymous, insists Mr. Johnson's absence form the public stage is little more than a cynical stage-managed PR operation to keep him hidden from public view.

He told us: 'Quite frankly its been decided behind closed doors that they daren't let Boris loose again. He's a complete liability.

'I know the Downing Street internal press department has already moved heaven and earth to suppress one farcical incident at a gardening implements manufacturer. Ironically, refusing PPE, after quipping "what could possibly go wrong?", bungling Boris immediately became entangled in a vicious accident loop after stepping between two rakes.

'He was repeatedly smacked in the face and the back of his head by the handles for a full five minutes as he tottered back and forth, before an aide came to his rescue. I kid you not. You should see the video. priceless.

'What's more, extensive risk and gaffe modelling, carried out by a firm of slapstick experts, suggest it would only be a matter of time before his trousers fall down during some important state occasion.'

Woman forgets to tell strangers she is vegan

Sandra Harris, 47, of West Bromwich has told of the shame and embarrassment she feels after not telling strangers she was vegan.

The incident occurred on the 10:26 train from Birmingham to Kings Cross on Thursday morning. The strangers, Kevin and Julie Young, were sitting opposite Ms Harris for the whole journey and not once did she give herself away or even preach at them.

'In a way, we feel cheated,' said Kevin. 'She wasn't dressed like a hippy. She didn't smell. She didn't tut or lecture us, not even when I offered her one of my Galaxy Minstrels. She just smiled and said, no thanks.'

Julie, told our reporter: 'I can't believe it. I even had a leather handbag. She was so nice. What's all that about? I mean, who does she think she is?'

A press release from the Vegan Society said that they were 'a little disappointed' by the actions of Ms Harris, but told us: 'there is no rule that we always have to annoy people in public.' Ms Harris had an altercation with a Costa Coffee employee at the station about soy milk to make up for it, but the damage had already been done.

Ken Loach expelled from Labour Party for calling Keith, ‘Keith’

Award winning film maker and humanitarian, Ken Loach has been told to leave the Labour Party, as there is no place for democratic socialists in a democratic socialist party. He was also chastised for referring Sir Keith Starmer as ‘Keir’, I mean ‘Keith’, ‘Keir’, no its ‘Keith’, ‘Keir’ – ‘Keir’? Yes, its Keith.

‘Cathy Come Home’, ‘Kes’ and ‘I, Daniel Blake’ – are to name but three films that Sir Keir has never watched – or understood. In fact, the Labour Leader cites the movie ‘Wallstreet’ as his type of left-wing economics and ‘Starship Troopers’ as his vision of the future.

A Labour Spokesman confirmed: ‘Ken no longer shares the values of this party – because we have all become colossal arseh$les’.

Many supporters of Sir Keir, all two of them, have expressed frustration that everyone gets his name wrong; in a childish attempt to devalue his successes, all two of them. A close friend tried to explain: ‘His name is not Keith as well, you know. It’s Sir F$cknuggets’