AI can diagnose dementia just by asking for your email's 'memorable word'

Scientists have created an artificial intelligence system that can detect brain deterioration by asking you to remember a vague detail you once used to set up your Hotmail account twenty years ago. In fact, your password itself has been auto inputted for so long you have probably forgotten that as well.

A trial at Addenbrooke's Hospital, asking 500 respondents, when was the last time they did a Windows update? Only 10% could recall the date, and 5% of them were confused Apple Mac owners.

Explained one clinician: 'Originally we used a crude metric, by asking people what day the bins go out. But we found the password recovery process bamboozles anyone over 30. Remember that memorable holiday? No, neither do we. What about your geography teacher's pet name, or can you recall your partner's favourite book? Who the hell knows or cares?'

If further proof was needed, the second stage of the password recovery involves receiving a six-digit number to a phone you no longer own. 'It's almost as if the brain struggles to remember the street where your third cousin grew up on'.

‘Is the BBC too obsessed with itself?’, BBC TV news anchor asks BBC’s BBC reporter

The BBC is not obsessed with itself, according to a report by the BBC's BBC correspondent, Tim Ledger. The report contradicts another BBC internal investigation commissioned by the BBC, entitled 'Whither the BBC? A BBC inquiry on BBC attitudes to the BBC'.

However, tonight on Panorama the British Broadcasting Corporation will broadcast a thorough investigation into charges that the BBC is too obsessed with examining whether it is too obsessed with itself. The report finds no evidence whatsoever of what experts have dubbed 'John Simpson Syndrome'.

Attempts by the BBC to make a fly-on-the-wall documentary about itself have lead to a massive feedback loop and an eternal philosophical paradox.

Odysseus slams today’s travel whingers

“Blimey! A few hours waiting for test results. Maybe having to self isolate for a week when you get home. It took me ten years to get back. And that’s after ten years fighting the Trojan War for flip’s sake!

“Red or amber. Huh. Try sneaking back to your boat under the belly of a sheep. Weather a bit rough? What rowing between the six-headed monster Scylla and the whirlpool Charybdis. Nambies.

“Then you get home and find there’s a load of freeloaders trying to get off with you wife, and you have to slaughter them all. Puts a pile of junk mail into perspective, doesn’t it?

“Mind you, I’ve not flown with Ryanair. I understand that can have its challenges.”