Olympic Committee set to invent ever more ludicrous cycling events

With record levels of spectators watching ridiculously-clad cyclists performing a variety of weird and wonderful so-called races, Olympic bosses are meeting regularly to discuss future ways of making track cycling even sillier.

From the ‘formation taking it in turns’ competition, which sees the race leader cycling up the banking and then joining in again at the back of the queue for no apparent reason, to the ‘dick about for a lap or two and then pedal like you're trying to set your lycra codpiece on fire’ contests, the popularity of watching outrageously daft Olympic cycling events has never been higher.

Although part of the attraction for the viewers is the hilarious garb that gullible cyclists have been persuaded to wear by unscrupulous aerodynamicists, it is the absurdity of the events themselves that has caught the public’s attention.

The highlight of the velodrome’s exhibition of preposterousness is currently the mysterious Keirin, in which cyclists follow a prospective cab driver doing ‘The Knowledge’ on a strange moped for several laps and then decide to go off on their own when he refuses to go south of the river. A more incongruous event is difficult to envisage but the Olympic experts are undaunted.

‘Our vision is to have a track cycling event that transfixes the entire world with its silliness’, explained a spokesman for the Olympic Cycling Committee. ‘Mind you,’ he admitted, ‘We’ll never be able to compete with dressage.’

Alf Garnett too late to stop Brexit

Frustratingly the BBC's re-boot of 'Till Death Us Do Part' has missed its chance to spread a message of brotherly love to wavering Referendum voters. Alf's sage commentary on multi-culturalism and the need for an integrated Europe, could so easily have tipped the balance in favour of the 'bloody foreigners'.

Explained one critic: 'Its nonsense to suggest that this is the sitcom equivalent of an UKIP poster. Clearly a it's clever play within a play. At a time when the UK is seeing a spike in hate crimes, it makes perfect sense to return to ambiguous comic xenophobia'. Said one smug BBC executive: 'The wonderful thing about Alf is he could be enjoyed by everyone - liberals could see him as an 'ironic' racist figure, while the rest of us could just take him on face value'.

Later this year the BBC plans to re-shooting several missing black and white episodes - although so far they have found only the white ones. Sadly David Cameron must now be kicking himself that he did not have Alf Garnett by his side to make the case for Europe. Although Theresa May has said it is not too late for a 70's bigot to join her Cabinet, but she may have been referencing Liam Fox.

Traffic lights on UK roads to have 50 shades of amber

The once elegant system of stop and go has been deconstructed by a very clever kerfuffle of men who know what is best for the people of Britain.

In happier, simpler times, a chap could be trained to do the highly skilled job of standing in a sunny country lane, armed with one of the most powerful tools ever created. The tool could literally halt traffic, including heavy goods vehicles and Austin Maestros with faulty brakes. But with a deft flip, that very same tool could grant freedom to those who had waited patiently for passage beyond roadworks.

Some say that it all went wrong when the red stop, green go system was upgraded by Ambrose Rudd, the great, great, no really great grandfather of former Home Secretary Amber Rudd. A man of well concealed wisdom, Ambrose Rudd invented a yellowy colour with no name which could be squished between stop and go. The genius of it was that it meant neither stop nor go, which was precisely what everyone hadn't realised they didn't need.

But that wasn't enough. The doubt and hesitation caused by a sort of yellowy-orange light needed improvement. A devious spiv who hung out on shadowy street corners by the name of Flash 'Arry made his fortune by adding a complex sequence to the light which followed the pattern: on, off, on, off... Where 'Arry got his idea from has never been indicated.

A dubious acquaintance of Flash 'Arry with the street name Mad Jez Avenue later suggested that sometimes the orange light could be on, sometimes off, and sometimes follow the nutty sequence proposed by 'Arry. It was agreed that this was the ultimate thinking on the subject, and all traffic lights everywhere followed this convention for many years. Except ones in Bulgaria which did away with red and green altogether.

But following a global test during the past year, a trusted authority on all subjects called Grant Shapps has developed an innovative concept. Joyously, the concept enables the current system of traffic lights to be replaced with an even simpler fiasco. There will be no consultation, and all traffic lights will be replaced with immediate effect, the contract for the upgrades rightly awarded without oversight to a company called Not Grant Shapps Ltd.

Road users will be required to instantly distinguish and know the meaning of massive boards of 50 lights, each lamp a slightly different shade of amber. Sometimes some of them will be on, sometimes others, sometimes some will blink, sometimes some will come on, and then immediately go off again the moment drivers have proceeded. Most importantly, anyone finding themselves stranded in a mangled wreck of twisted steel in the middle of a road junction will be deported to Bulgaria.