Williamson insists 'rumpy pumpy' must be in Latin

The Education Secretary has demanded that Latin be taught in all schools to describe all carnal acts and order from the wine menu. Coitus and cunnilingus will make a return to the curriculum, although for Eton they never left the entrance exam.

An Education spokesman explained: 'It's vitally important that school children learn the correct terminology for the sexual acts Ministers will one day be paying them to do. No matter how depraved, the Romans and Bullingdon club have a name for it'.

The three 'R's' will be replaced with their Latin equivalents - Reach Arounds, Rimming and Rhinoceros f$cking. Mr. Williamson insisted that traditional Romans vocab would break down social barriers and spice up the bedroom. His spokesman said: 'Veni, vidi, vici translated from the Latin means 'premature ejaculation'.'

US chlorine-washed chicken least of our worries, admit Brits

A focus group has found that post Brexit, most British consumers would be perfectly happy to eat chlorine-washed chicken imported from the US. However, many have expressed concern that they will also be forced to eat a diet consisting of stringy American processed cheese, gassy beer, and 'wussy American mustard which has less flavour than diluted bathwater'.

After the meeting, focus group member Arthur Scoggins commented, 'Alright, so a pumpkin might be a fruit but only someone with fluff for brains would even think of putting it in a pie, and as for grits...'.

Particular scorn was directed toward Hershey bars which were described as 'tasting, almost but not quite, totally unlike chocolate'.

Others were delighted that post Brexit German measles would become a thing of the past but were worried about missing out on other European staples such as Swiss cheese, French mustard, French fries, French kissing, French letters, and Dutch caps.

Pepys Diary: Olympickes

Up early and by coach to the Tower at the invitaion of the British Beheading Committee to witness a gruelling day of Torture.

First, to the Racke. A number of persons of note were tested thereon, but Milord Javid came to the fore with a final length of seven feet. Well played, and he did not cower once, though the inquisitor tested him sorely.

Next to the Water Butte. A small crowd for this event. I might have said Andrew Neil came out on top. However, he did not resurface as his form fitted the barrel so well that none could pull him back out. T'was a sight to see his wig float to the surface.

On the way to the next room, saw Katie Hopkins chained to the wall wearing a Scold's Bridle. She tried to kick out at any who passed but we rejoiced in finding that Harridan's tongue finally quelled.

The next room contained a group of idle vagabonds in stocks. At first, one might find their Trial as naught but, as time passed we could see that Wretches were close to losing their minds. They had spent the whole day listening to one Clare Balding spouting piffle on subjects no-one had any ken of. She spoke of a Skateboard that appears to be a vehicle propelled by leg-power and ridden over obstacles. Madness!

From thence to the Mall for supper. On the way did see two youths thrown from the Tower into the Moat. Tom Daley and Matty Lee did fall as one. They rose from the waters to great acclamation from the persons assembled and were presented with ribbons for surviving their Ordeal.