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Nando’s is without chicken and McDonald’s without milkshakes because of supply chain issues, including a Brexistential shortage of HGV drivers.
A spokeschicken for Nando’s crossed the road, clucking that ‘Dominic Raab couldn’t have phoned Afghanistan to save the interpreters because he was on the phone to us, ordering lemon and herb but “not too spicy”. All we could give him was some lettuce and a moist towelette.’
A Foreign Office flunky denied this, saying 'Dom always orders Extra Hot, because he's a big brave boy. If he’s good and finishes all his phone calls, he’ll get a milkshake from McDonald’s.'
A Department of Transport spokesdriver, clearly Grant Shapps wearing a fake moustache, stuck an elbow out of a lorry window, articulating a possible solution to the lack of drivers: ‘For the first 8 hours you’re driving as Michael Green. Then for the next 8 hours you keep cruising as Sebastian Fox. Then another 8 hours behind the wheel as Corinne Stockheath – might need a little lipstick there. You can keep on trucking indefinitely with no safety implications. And you can honk the big horn. Toot toot. I’ve never felt so alive!'
HGV driver Ian Ingram said 'Covid had really cut down on the prostitute and hitchhiker murdering that my alter ego "Stabby Steve" enjoys. Sometimes he wears their lipstick afterwards. Also, sorry about any Haribo shortages. "Stabby Steve" needs the sugar after all the murdering. The last one looked a bit like Grant Shapps in drag.'
Image by Free-Photos from Pixabay
In a move that has shocked the world of sweaty-palmed men the popular adult website PornHub has announced it will be banning all forms of pornography at the end of the month in the hopes it will encourage people to use the site more.
"It's something we've been thinking of doing for a while" said CEO Max Hardon. "We think the idea of logging onto a computer, making sure your wife has left to visit her mother and then finding a video of that fetish she won't let you do is so cliche. We want to embrace new forms of explicit media, like full-on gardening videos or erotic needlework. It is our belief that we will thrive in this new world, and it'll only be a matter or time before all those other sites follow."
This news was welcomed with dismay by users of the site. Regular visitor David Malcolm of Kidderminster Road in Truro (who requested not to be identified) said "This is ridiculous, how am I meant to get myself off now. My girlfriend left me two years ago and I can't afford an escort. I'll have to go back to buying FHM and... wait, that doesn't exist anymore either?! F**K!"
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