Melting ice in Downing Street champagne buckets linked to rising sea levels

Climate scientists have traced a dramatic rise in sea levels to multiple Downing Street ‘work events.’

‘This is devastating news for the planet,’ said Professor Katherine Hansen, Senior Climate Advisor at NASA. ‘Data from our satellites suggest that the ice buckets have taken us from a slow catastrophe to a rapid catastrophe. The runoff is far worse than that from monster icebergs, the Greenland ice sheet and mountain glaciers. These ‘work events’ have put the planet in clear and present danger.’

A Downing Street spokesperson disputed the findings. ‘The Prime Minister is keen to follow the science at all times and takes these findings jolly seriously. However, the suggestion that only a massive tidal wave sweeping along the Thames will drown out all the noise, is complete and utter piffle.’

Image: pixabay/blende12

Fears grow as Putin stockpiles Colin The Caterpillar's on Ukraine border

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Call for Prime Minister to be redefined as 'user not legally accountable'

Supporters of Boris Johnson say he should not be legally accountable for what has happened to this country in the era of Brexit and Partygate. They say the Prime Minister should be redefined as a "user-in-charge", with very different legal responsibilities. If anything goes wrong, and it has, the brains behind the fiasco, Dominic Cummings or Carrie, would be responsible, rather than the BoJo.

A new regime should also define whether he actually qualifies as self-driving at all. There should be no sliding scale of capabilities - The Prime Minister is either use less or not. If any sort of real government is required - in extreme conditions such as war in the Ukraine, for example - control should be handed over immediately to Dylan the dog.