Appeal launched to save Boris' skin for a grateful nation

English Heritage and the National Trust have announced a joint appeal to save the prime minister's skin and prevent it from being sold abroad.

A spokesperson said: 'It's vital that Boris's skin, which has an area of some 523 square feet, stays in Britain. It would be an absolute tragedy if it were taken out of the country and displayed in somewhere like Paris, or, God forbid, run up a flag pole in Brussels. Admittedly it is exceptionally thin and badly bruised in places, mainly due to the fallout from an excess of champagne cork popping. As a result, the skin has been designated as an Area of Outstanding Bullshit.'

Culture secretary and part-time sanitary pad Nadine Dorries said the PM's skin is iconic. 'It's as important to the nation's history as one of Churchill's Boer war condoms. I'm doing everything in my power to save it, including giving it a quick iron, destroying the BBC and taking a Masters in sycophantic grovelling.'

Facebook ‘sorry’ – just in case

A spokesman justified their about face: ‘Most of our executives are socially awkward – or just Nick Clegg – so we won’t always spot when we give offensive. What we are though, is painfully aware that we are sitting on $100 billion – so better safe than sorry. Let’s be honest, we’re got a huge pile – and that does tend to attract criticism like flies on sh*t.'

IMAGE: https://pixabay.com/users/firmbee-663163/

Whipping up a frenzy