'Unspired' - residents of Wells living in fear of more events from the film Hot Fuzz occurring

Video footage of a church spire being toppled has left the residents of Wells in a state of extreme panic. In the 2007 film classic Hot Fuzz, a church spire is toppled, its pointy bit falling straight through the top of local news reporter Tim Messenger's head, crushing him in one of the film world's most gruesome deaths ever depicted. In a staggering coincidence, the fictional town of Sandford - where most of the events of the movie take place - was filmed in Wells.

The good people of the smallest city in England are petrified that further events from the film may now occur. The only resident still able to speak, Lou Stringer, said, 'The NWA are somewhat unsettled as only yesterday a swan went missing, and last week a living statue was slagged off. We are now bracing for the destruction of a supermarket, a gunfight in the city square, and crusty jugglers.'

Local police are understood to be too busy to investigate reports of a fascist being checked in to a hotel by a hag, as they are currently gobbling down a large tub of Chunky Monkey and three Cornettos.

Cate Blanchett commented, but only to say, 'I'm not Janine.'

image from pixabay

Ladbrokes lowers the odds on Duchess of Cambridge giving birth to a ‘ginger’.

The nation is still on tenterhooks with Paddypower offering 9-1 on a phantom pregnancy generated by the weight of public expectation, 13-1 on ‘trapped wind’ brought on by too much cheap larger or 5-3 on the bump being weight gain resulting from Kate’s penchant for ‘pork scratchings’.

With 2-1, the child never has to do a day’s work in its life.

IMAGE: https://pixabay.com/users/tawnynina-1041483/

Government denies cost cutting as it launches Pre-Loved lateral flow kits and PPE

The government's 'living with covid' strategy has hit resistance as the public are being asked to re-use lateral flow kits or return them to health centres for reissue. 'Of course we're going to lick the swabs clean before we re-issue them,' said a government spokesperson today, 'and who hasn't borrowed a friend's face mask? eh? Of course you have,' he said before adding, 'oh, you haven't? Aren't you la-de-da, I bet you've had one of those PPE contracts and feel you can afford anything, don't you?'

image from pixabay