The hero of the nation will now have access to a series of medieval rights; including eating swans, mating with any beefeater of ‘child bearing’ age and being allowed to punch the Queen’s corgis on the first of every month. The Lady said he was an ideal choice with his strong maternal forearms, nurturing grimace and ability to lactate Irn Bru.
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As restrictions from popular holiday destinations such as Tenerife, Barbados and Grimsby are lifted, and self isolation with symptoms reduced to twenty minutes, the government has determined that anyone leaving the Ukraine bound for the UK has to have two valid PCR tests showing negative or a validated donation to the Conservative Party of at least £50,000. With Russian tanks gathering and Piers Morgan threatening to become a foreign correspondent in the Ukraine, Brits are scrabbling to pull the £50k donation together as fast as they can as it is still cheaper than two commercial PCR tests for a family of four. 'We have to get out fast,' said one Brit, 'before they send Liz Truss in to embarrass us further.'