Guide to being an edgy comedian

1. Always punch down - they'll never expect it!

2. Use the 'N' word. (Unless you’re black - that's too obvious).

3. Host charity events while not paying taxes.

4. Having 1 million followers on Twitter but no self-awareness.

5. Claim you are a truth teller while quoting Fox news.

6. Refuse to drop kick Giles Coren, even when you had a chance.

7. Mistaking sneering for insight.

8. Mistaking dinner parties for political parties.

9. Pretending that you are the only person who thinks Boris is a kn$b.

10. And yet willingly sacrifice your own children to Beelzebub for a chance of your own gameshow.

Microphone Vintage Brick Wall - Free photo on Pixabay

Man with no backbone runs the country thanks to wealthy donors

A man with a complete lack of spine has been able to run the country, thanks donations from his privileged backers. It is the first time someone who has had a complete lack of any moral standards been able to rule the UK freely. It has improved his health so much that he has been able to become a father again, twice.

Boris Johnson was desensitised after years at Eton and Cambridge - and he has no feeling at all. But he can now party almost every night with no repercussions, despite the country going to rack and ruin. Someone this damaged should never have been allowed to rise to power.

The researchers stress the only real cure is a general election, but it is still too complicated to be used in everyday life, but hail it nonetheless as a major step to improving quality of life.

Image: jochenpippir | Pixabay

5 Winter Olympic Sports Team GB would medal in

With a distinct lack of silverware so far in the Winter Olympics for Team GB, is it time for the Olympic Committee to consider increasing the winter sports on offer, to encompass some of the mass participation activities that the Brits really excel in over the Winter months. Here are our top 5 suggestions:

30 second small talk in the street about the weather

This is an activity we are genuinely world leading in. Athletes go head to head exchanging pleasantries like 'Its certainly brisk today', and 'the nights are definitely drawing in', with marks awarded for speed of delivery, artistic flair in the use of language, and ability to effectively close off the conversation so you can get on with going to the shops. Mike McDaid, 62, of Solihull delivered a faultless performance when recently setting the current world best, including his trademark glance up towards the clouds as he queried 'Could snow later, don't you think?'

Mad Friday drinking binge

Taking place on the last Friday before Christmas, this long-distance event involves heading down to a local Wetherspoons with work colleagues before midday, then drinking copious amounts of discounted beer and spirits, in an a music-free, sticky-floored hangar. Competing in teams which gradually reduce in size over the course of the afternoon, you are awarded points for avoiding getting into a fight, and if you get through to the end of the day without telling your boss he's a w@*ker.

Boxing day cross-country train journey Marathon

This event is established in honour of Mark Davies, who tried to get from Newcastle to Bristol a few years ago by train to see family on Boxing day, not realising that the extent of engineering works going on across the rail network. Whilst accounts vary it is thought he died somewhere near Birmingham New street after a 14 hour journey, involving 3 replacement buses, no seat reservations on the final segment of the journey, and all the toilets out of order. British Athletes have been training for the extreme nature of this event by travelling regularly on the Trans-Pennine Express.

Winter morning car de-icing

How quickly can you can get the sheet of ice on your car's front window clear enough to drive in to work? In this event, athletes start with a bundle of work papers and a lunchbox, and they have to locate the squeezy plastic thing, along with last years tin of deicer from somewhere hidden deep in the bowels of the car. Athletes will be disqualified if they do that thing of putting newspaper on their car the night before, or cheat using a kettle.

Clocks go forward in spring quiz

Participants are asked rapid fire questions about whether you lose or gain an hour, whether phones automatically update, with a final eliminator requiring athletes to reset the clock on their oven in the shortest possible time (current record 6 days).

Tokyo Olympics Winter - Free photo on Pixabay