Olympics viewing figures

Indonesia caught ‘hazing’

Fog from the country has been identified as a humiliating fraternity stunt. With Singapore complaining that they had been coerced by the larger nation into participating in a series drinking contests, prank phone calls and something involving a goat.

Indonesia has been partying 24/7, and was later found naked, tied to a lamppost with the phrase 'Nerd alert – six o’clock!' written across its forehead. Any noxious cloud is due to smoke bombs and having their eyebrows shaved. A toga-wearing frat-spokesman issued this statement: 'Seriously, dude. What tha f**k? Just chug some brew-dawgs and get a life. Stop your whining -’I’m the fourth-leading financial centre in the world, yackety yack…’ WHATEVERRR, biatch!'

IMAGE: https://pixabay.com/users/14398-14398/

League Against Cruel Sports calls for end to Boris baiting

Despite the popularity of watching a deeply wounded, defenceless animal being viciously attacked from all sides, a campaign has been launched to put an end to the practice of tormenting the Prime Minister. The League Against Cruel Sports claim that, although he undoubtedly deserves it, the bloodthirsty assaults on Boris Johnson are becoming increasingly barbaric, to the point that even members of his own species cannot resist the temptation to put the boot in.

‘Our mission is to ban all so-called sports that involve animals being pursued and then torn apart by packs of hounds’ explained a spokesman for the campaign. ‘And while we recognise that some people regard the Prime Minister as vermin which must be controlled, we believe that there are better, more civilised methods of dealing with the problem’.

Boris baiting has been recognised as a spectator sport for some time, although recent developments have seen an increase in social media coverage, leading to massive television audiences for Prime Minister’s Questions for example. Sky Sports are said to have enquired about a Pay-Per-View deal for exclusive rights and BT Sport are reportedly interested provided that there’s an opportunity to bring in Peter Walton to add nothing of value whatsoever.

When asked what the ultimate aim of the campaign was, the League Against Cruel Sports spokesman was very clear. ‘We believe that he’s suffered enough. We therefore demand an immediate end to the cruelty against Boris Johnson and for him to be dispatched quickly and humanely, and hopefully that would also put an end to the nation’s suffering.’

Image: https://pixabay.com/users/947051-947051/