Tories: ‘Cost of living crisis not our fault, it's our Sistine Chapel'

One Tory MP who wished to remain anonymous, has spoken out about the cost of living crisis:

‘This wasn’t just thrown together you know. 12 years of avoidable mismanagement is actually quite hard work, but we've created a masterpiece! We absolutely could make people’s lives better but we simply don't want to.'

‘And how would ordinary people suffer for our entertainment otherwise? Remember David Cameron? Just reading about the anguish he helped cause was no longer enough to sexually arouse him – he had to see it for himself. Now 'going to the food bank' is rhyming slang in his house.’

‘Victorian level poverty is what these oiks - sorry, people - voted for and we should respect that by screwing them over and over and over again. What do they want – food and heating?'

'It makes you sick. More inexplicably legalised foie gras?’

Image: Pixabay/Tumisu

Teenage boy admits he may have eaten the last of the cereal

Up until now his family had assumed a large family of rats or a plague of locusts had decimated their food larder. The loss of cereal was particularly mysterious as the crockery seemed untouched; although his sister feared he had simply emptied the muesli directly into his mouth and added milk.

Where quite precisely the boy has now stored the excess calories, scientists are at a loss to say, but many see this as indirect proof of the 'hollow legs' theory of transcendental dimensionality. What is more worrying is that his hunger shows no signs of being sated and no one has seen the family dog since Wednesday.

A lawyer for the boy said: 'My client is very sorry for the loss of five tubs of ice cream. In his defence, he had just smoked an ounce of weed. But he has nothing to do with the disappearance of three boxes of kleenex and his father's limited edition of 'Razzle's Reader's Wives' circa 1988’.

Image: Pixabay/Engin_Akyurt

Boris Becker in court