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A pharmacologist explained the breakthrough: ‘Previously you could spend decades finding your drug of choice or worse still, go through life without experiencing crystal meth. Now thanks to genetic coding, we can match a patient to their prescription drugs and their inevitable decent into opioid addiction’.


The DNA test will reveal which heroin you prefer – ranging from a lot of heroin to a huge amount of heroin. It will also show your genetic disposition for selling off your belongings to feed your habit and whether you are willing to turn tricks for a doctor’s note.


One addict said: ‘If I’d known, as a kid, how much I loved drugs, I could’ve swapped Calpol® for cocaine much earlier’.




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Her Majesty the Queen has announced that after the memorial service for Prince Philip, she's going to being "putting her self out there".


"One still has it and there is plenty of fresh tail out there to catch the royal eye."


Her Majesty has admitted to a "disappointing" experience with tinder.com. "One didn't find anyone with a similar range of interests, which really surprised one; who doesn't like shooting wildlife, choosing which palace to live in and George Formby?"


With lifting of COVID restrictions, the Queen has been planning discreet visits to the Ministry of Sound and XOYO. "One doesn't want to the centre of attention and attract the wrong types, so I've asked the palace guards to leave their horses at home when they accompany me.




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