With the coiled energy of a tortoise on Prozac or a three-toed sloth wading through treacle, the international community has sprung to the aid of the frantic families of over 200 missing Nigerian schoolgirls. As most crime-fighting agencies will attest, the most auspicious moment to investigate a kidnapping is at least a month after the event. Like a good wine, a banker’s pension scheme or the humour of James Corden - hostages improve with time.
It is a well-established fact that witness reports and genital rashes are all best ignored. A spokesman for the White House said: ‘It doesn’t pay to rush these things. These kids could just have been skipping class. A month is no time at all. After all, it took the US two years to join in WW2 and nobody noticed. What’s the hurry? We’ll get round to this as soon as we’ve found the Lindbergh kid’.
The world's leading beverage-maker has bowed to pressure to ban the use of the mysterious chemical compound simply known as ‘H2O’. Cans will now contain a powdered corn syrup, which can simply be injected or snorted off the thighs of a comely wench.
Coca Cola is credited with the iconic image of Santa Claus as a jolly old man, in a red-and-white suit with blackened teeth and type-three diabetes. A representative admitted: ‘I’ve heard so-called scientists claim that water is essential to life on Earth but it provides zero calories and simply dilutes our sugary buzz. The public want their caffeine and phosphoric acid served to them naturally. This watering down of a pure product is simply a waste of good caramel colour’.
