Jesus angry that his chocolate egg much smaller than the box

Rising again on Easter Day, the Lord complained: ‘What the f$ck is this? I don’t mind that the chocolate industry has completely hijacked the festival of my resurrection, but they are completely taking the piss with the ratio of box to egg. I was expecting something the size of my head, instead I’ve got a bigger disappointment than when I got a ‘friends forever’ tattoo with Judas. Imagine if I pulled this $hit with loaves and fishes – ‘Sorry, Galilee, all I’ve got is half a pilchard’.

Everything changes but poo - Snowdon's stra-turd-gy for growth

Welsh tourism chiefs have revealed that the sheer volume of doodoo on Snowdon is no accident - although some will have been accidents.

A spokeswoman said 'The more poop there is, the higher the mountain gets. Snowdon is top in Wales, but barely wipes the top 20 once you include the Scottish Highlands. We don't want to be turd or number 2 either, but we need 260m of faeces to catch Ben Nevis. Everything in our gift shop contains slow-acting laxatives. You've got enough time to get to the summit - nature does the rest.'

Derek Drummond from the Guinness Book of World Records said 'Total shithouses - actually I don't feel so good.'

Jacob Rees-Mogg demands that Civil Servants go back to wearing bowler hats

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