Government to conduct urgent national inquiry into 'Who stole my f*cking sandwiches?'

Despite a tsunami of scandals and corruption, the government is prioritising an immediate full spectrum national inquiry into 'Who stole my f*cking foie gras sandwiches? I bet it was you, Gove, you pilfering little twat.'

An unusually impassioned Downing Street spokewanker wailed, 'The entire nation demands their right to know what happened and who is to blame. No cost will be too great. No third world war distractions will swerve us from our path. No lessons will be learned. No stone will be left unturned in Michael Gove's faux stone-floored kitchen.'

In an attempt to throw dimwits off the scent, Michael Gove's office issued a statement in a completely innocent high-pitched tone of panic only dogs and Priti Patel could hear: 'This is a total witch hunt. Michael Gove's breath always smells of foie gras.'

LGBT + Boris = a predictable shitshow

Responding to criticism of his corruption, ineptitude and haircut, Boris Johnson talked about transgender cyclists. He used the medium of song, startling those present with a sultry acapella version of Gett Off by Prince. Johnson leant into the camera whilst delivering the lines ‘let a woman be a woman, and a man be a man’ and later claimed his views – which are not controversial – might be controversial. All footage of the impromptu solo had to be destroyed because of Johnson’s eye-watering, wretch-inducing gymnastics during the lyric about twenty-three positions in a one-night stand.

Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst said, ‘Boris has a long history of using appropriate language, and anyone who says otherwise is a tank-topped bum boy. He did renege on his promise to ban conversion therapy – but if that’s unpopular, his views can always transition.’

https://pixabay.com/photos/window-flag-pride-exterior-view-4416656/

Tories selling off family silver AGAIN