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Vladimir Putin nominated for Nobel Peace Prize



Russia has confirmed that President Putin has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. 'Our President has worked tirelessly to stop the fighting in Ukraine over the last five weeks,' said a Tass news agency spokesman today. 'He has spoken with President Biden, President Macron, some tousle-haired weasel from the United Kingdom who tried to get him to invest in the Conservative Party - he didn't bite as he understood he owned it already - and the German Chancellor. They all agreed that President Zelenski was being 'argumentative' and 'mean' and really thought Putin was 'doing him in, for all the right reasons'.

The Nobel committee, based in Sweden, promised to look into the nomination 'as soon as our NATO membership is agreed.'




Glasgow to be ‘nuked’ as part of the Commonwealth Closing Ceremony



One city councillor said: ‘This explosion is really going to put Glasgow back on the map. In so far, as it will now show up at a large, irradiated crater. We are creating a post-apocalyptic wilderness full of unintelligible, pasty-faced zombies and asking the public to spot the difference.’


Another upbeat Glaswegian commented on the deep-fried mushroom cloud: ‘Nuclear winter? It cannae be worse than the real thing?’





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