Sue Gray concludes: It's not a party without a conga line

The investigation proved that it was impossible to have a party without streamers and at least one girl crying on a staircase, mumbling something about all men are bastards. 'The gatherings that the PM and Keir Starmer attended were in no way parties. Mainly because no self respecting party would invite those two.

'For it to be considered a halfway decent party, there needs to be jelly and tequila shots. No one sung 'My Way'. And not one person chundered in the Downing Street shrubbery.

'The only feature that this has in common with a normal party, is that no one can remember any of the details'.

Image:Pixabay/ktphotography

China and South Korea agree to have North Korea ‘sectioned’

Neighbours have described South Korea as having all the self-awareness of a clown on a trike. Initially this will involve chasing Kim Jong-un with a large butterfly net, a copy of the Human Rights convention and a bumper-size jar of chloroform. Although the maximum period of detention is six months, some believe the whole of North Korea should be sealed in a time capsule until they have had the chance to mellow or until ‘the cockroaches have taken over’, whatever comes first.

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‘Monkeypox a Brexit dividend’ insists Rees-Mogg

Brexit minister Jacob Rees-Mogg has welcomed the outbreak of monkeypox here in the UK saying it is clearly a Brexit dividend and should be seen as a triumph and not something to be concerned about.

‘The joy of having monkeypox is that you need to isolate for up to 21 days….which means the chances of contracting Covid are massively reduced. It's a win-win situation for all Brexit loving Brits. The spread of monkeypox would not have happened had we still been in the EU and we would not have been able to benefit from it as we are today’ said the Somerset MP. 'It also means there is another huge demand for expensive PPE….and we all know what that means.'

'The risk of infection is not great at the moment but with the NHS struggling to meet demand for even the most routine of appointments it is sure to explode soon', continued Rees-Mogg. 'Infections are highest amongst sexually active people like sex workers, drug users, promiscuous sex addicts, multiple sex partners, swingers and Tory MPs….so most of you will be fine for now.'

'But that is about to change. As Minister for Brexit Opportunities I can see the potential for massive potenital for anybody with the right connections', continued Rees-Mogg. 'Anybody needing PPE should contact one of our providers…..like one of the off-shore companies I manage or trade shares in.'

'Would you like my cousins phone number....tell him Jake sent you'.