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Your herpes enjoyed Glastonbury almost as much as you did


As you, bleary-eyed, regale your fellow office workers with tales of exotic debauchery, trench-foot, food-poisoning or the wind in your hair as you defecated in a field; everything seems insignificant next to the small itchy reminder that sharing a towel with a hippy from Croydon may have been an error.


Herpes said: ‘This was the best Glastonbury ever!’ Back in the 70s I was just a humble cold sore, but now I can reach 175,000 unwashed teenagers. Your average festival clean-up now extends to a wire brush, rubbing alcohol and a fervent hope your girlfriend doesn’t notice the rash.’





Coleen Rooney cast as new 'Sherlock'



Following her Wagatha Christie success, Coleen Rooney is being cast as a female incarnation of Sherlock Holmes, with the character to adopt the nickname 'Shazza' and catchphrase ‘Elementary my dear… Rebekah Vardy’s account’. The deerstalker will be retained, but is now paired with some Louboutins. Vardy as Moriarty seems a shoe-in, as is Wayne as Doctor Watson.


A spokeswoman said ‘It’s a game of two halves Jeff and we gave it 110% which is 55% per half and technically impossible. We’re not the No 1 Ladies Detective Agency yet, but if we can finish top 4 then we can qualify for the champions league. We go again.’


Gary Grimthwaite, who is professionally furious, spluttered ‘First a lady Dr Who and now this. With no role models left, the only alternative for boys is a life of crime, like Boris Johnson.‘


Hat tip to Deskpilot3



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