Government passes emergency law to prevent poor people inhaling calories off the top of cake

The government has acted swiftly and decisively on the number one priority facing Brits, by whipping the cream out of Tory MPs to pass emergency cake laws.

A government spokes-smirker announced almost solemnly, 'What we absolutely have to ensure is that poor people are not receiving free luxuriant aromas above their station. Even more than this, we simply can't have paupers inhaling calories they haven't paid for. Should a cake be so unfortunate as to find itself in the vicinity of a mendicant, it must be protected from having its heavenly ambience experienced.

'That is why this government has moved instantly to protect the rights of cakes and the owners of cakes. Any person of meagre means finding themselves able to smell cake, must immediately make their way to a place where only excrement can be smelt. Failure to do so will result in a £20,000 on-the-spot fine, even if they are wholly within their usual place of residence.

'And anyone suspected of inadvertently inhaling calories off the top of cake, must immediately return those calories, or have their nostrils expelled to Rwanda.

'Enquiries from the bothersome have sought to ascertain who we classify as poor people. It is clearly defined as all those not preferred for the government procurement VIP lane. Or as we like to call ourselves, The Circle of Thrust.'

ISA – is the jihadist wing of the Individual Savings Accounts

An armed spokesperson demanded: ‘That we throw off the yoke of Western Imperialism and Shia capital gains tax. We will form a financial Caliphate, next to the high street cashpoint, just outside Boots the Chemist. Death to all infidels and the Co-Op.’

https://pixabay.com/photos/money-profit-finance-business-2696228

£1,000 Gucci umbrella doesn't even assassinate Bulgarian dissidents

An international expert on umbrellas has called into question the price point of the latest tat excreted by Gucci. Clive Warner noted, 'The umbrella is made from flimsier material than the basis for Mrs Brown's Boys. It has all the waterproof properties of a roofless sponge, and is more offensive to the eyes than Michael Fabricant's hairpiece. Although, in fairness, at least that affords him protection from acid rain and, indeed, radioactive fallout.

'Regarding the primary function of any quality precipitation protection equipment, I have inspected the umbrella very closely, and can find no poison-tipped mechanism for assassinating Bulgarian dissidents.'

'I therefore conclude that this product from Gucci is insanely overpriced and about as much use as a Cadbury's solar panel.'

'Incidentally, my counterpart in the East informs me that the best kept secret in covert intelligence is the location of the International Spy Museum.'

Image: https://pixabay.com/users/annaliseart-7089643/