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£1,000 Gucci umbrella doesn't even assassinate Bulgarian dissidents

An international expert on umbrellas has called into question the price point of the latest tat excreted by Gucci. Clive Warner noted, 'The umbrella is made from flimsier material than the basis for Mrs Brown's Boys. It has all the waterproof properties of a roofless sponge, and is more offensive to the eyes than Michael Fabricant's hairpiece. Although, in fairness, at least that affords him protection from acid rain and, indeed, radioactive fallout.

'Regarding the primary function of any quality precipitation protection equipment, I have inspected the umbrella very closely, and can find no poison-tipped mechanism for assassinating Bulgarian dissidents.'

'I therefore conclude that this product from Gucci is insanely overpriced and about as much use as a Cadbury's solar panel.'

'Incidentally, my counterpart in the East informs me that the best kept secret in covert intelligence is the location of the International Spy Museum.'

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