Jack Monroe to get BBC cooking series

Jack Monroe, the heroic food poverty campaigner has beaten celebrity chefs in winning the contract to replace the popular series Can't Cook, Won't Cook after the other hopefuls pulled out once they were told the meal budget would be limited to 30p.

The new show, entitled “Illegitimi non carborundum”, will show viewers with limited budgets how to dine as well as the inmates of Wandsworth prison are able to. Jack will in fact, be accompanied by ex-Wandsworth prison inmate, 'Double Barrel' Bruno who will not only act as a judge of the quality of the meals, but demonstrate useful tips on how the budget can be extended by beating the shit out of Eton students until they hand over their dinner money.

Politicians have been invited to appear on the programme, but so far only Labour, the Lib Dems and SNP have responded to the invitations. Ian Blackford is seen to be particularly keen to complement 'Double Barrel' Bruno’s advice with oratory to accompany why the extortion of pocket money from Eton students, is a kindness they won’t regret.

BBC logo on a building during daytime photo – Free Northern ireland Image on Unsplash

Boris fined in guineas but his bribes still in metric

Boris' fines to be paid in guineas but his bribes will still be metric

The PM announced that Imperial measurements would be making a comeback, with all his bull$it weighed in tonnes. His spokeswoman said: 'Boris will not budge an inch on resigning, or 2.5cm in your parlance'.

His bilge would be marked by the gallon. His honesty by the ounce. And the number of his wives would be measured in acres.

'Finally, the average Brit will get to buy a pint using a pound, rather than the ghastly system of pints and pounds that we have now. Boris will be giving the nation back it's inch, he'll just happen to be taking a mile in return'.

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