Apple posts biggest profit in history, but still shops at charity stores

Humble Apple executives insisted they would ‘keep it real’ by maintaining a frugal lifestyle; always pick their own fruit, rub batteries for an extra day of life and fastidiously collect store loyalty points. One employee, living the Spartan life, insisted: ‘Money means nothing to us. I will continue cut my own hair and drink my own urine. The urine thing doesn’t really save money. I’ve just always done it’.

Rumours that Apple staff are now paid in gold bullion have been quickly quashed, a company spokesperson said: ‘We’re not going to forget our humble roots, growing up an impoverished gospel blues singer in Texas in 1897. Well, yes, technically that’s Blind Willie Johnson’s life story – but you get the gist. And we are still recycling carrier-bags’.

Meanwhile the company refused to comment on the rumour that they had just purchased the Vatican for tax reasons. The spokesman explained: ‘You too can be rich like us. Just remember to turn the lights off at night, share baths and buy stocks in iPhone screen repair kits. Remember money doesn’t buy happiness – sorry, I misspoke. Scottish currency can’t buy happiness. It’s not really legal tender’.

IMAGE: https://pixabay.com/photos/apple-imac-ipad-workplace-606761/

Pavlov Undogged

Ever since Pavlov's dog experiments discovered conditioned reflexes, educationalists and animal trainers have wondered how to speed up learning. Now a ground-breaking experiment is underway to see how quickly something can be unlearnt.

Albert Einstein (no relation) had an Archimedes moment when his kitchen pedal bin broke. 'I didn't run down the road naked,' he admitted, 'but I did think this could make for an intriguing experiment. Now, when I stand on the pedal, nothing happens until I bend and use the handy tab I've taped to the lid. The big question is, how long before I stop standing on that useless pedal, waiting for the lid to lift?'

'My wife is doing the same so another question is which of us will unlearn first. I expect to win, but if she gets there first I'll just say it's because she uses the bin more than I do.'

Weird sisters caught producing unlicensed HRT potion

Three sisters of Birnam Wood were caught in the act of cooking up the 'medicine' in a cauldron, of all things. Inspectors from NICE took samples and declared the constituents were 'unseemly'.

In response the foul and midnight hags declared that they were only trying to fulfil a need that was welcomed by many women across the kingdom.

Not having any particular powers over magick , the witches were told to aroint themselves from the immediate area or they would be brought before Dunsinane Assizes.

Image from Pixabay by darksouls1

https://pixabay.com/photos/witch-gothic-goth-dark-portrait-3202467/