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Apple posts biggest profit in history, but still shops at charity stores

Humble Apple executives insisted they would ‘keep it real’ by maintaining a frugal lifestyle; always pick their own fruit, rub batteries for an extra day of life and fastidiously collect store loyalty points. One employee, living the Spartan life, insisted: ‘Money means nothing to us. I will continue cut my own hair and drink my own urine. The urine thing doesn’t really save money. I’ve just always done it’.

Rumours that Apple staff are now paid in gold bullion have been quickly quashed, a company spokesperson said: ‘We’re not going to forget our humble roots, growing up an impoverished gospel blues singer in Texas in 1897. Well, yes, technically that’s Blind Willie Johnson’s life story – but you get the gist. And we are still recycling carrier-bags’.

Meanwhile the company refused to comment on the rumour that they had just purchased the Vatican for tax reasons. The spokesman explained: ‘You too can be rich like us. Just remember to turn the lights off at night, share baths and buy stocks in iPhone screen repair kits. Remember money doesn’t buy happiness – sorry, I misspoke. Scottish currency can’t buy happiness. It’s not really legal tender’.


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