Weird sisters caught producing unlicensed HRT potion

The three sisters of Birnam Wood were caught in the act of cooking up the 'medicine' in a cauldron, of all things. Inspectors from NICE took samples and declared the constituents were 'unseemly'.

In response the foul and midnight hags declared that they were only trying to fulfil a need that was welcomed by many women across the kingdom.

Not having any particular powers over magick , the witches were told to aroint themselves from the immediate area or they would be brought before Dunsinane Assizes.

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Exclusive: Micro submarine expedition team embarks on search for Boris Johnson's integrity

In a startling development like something straight from a Jules Verne novel, a team of scientists has entered the bloodstream of Boris Johnson inside a micro submarine, for what many say is a forlorn and doomed mission.

Professor Jorge Schmidt of UCL told reporters: 'Using new technology our team was reduced temporarily to microscopic size and is currently searching inside the PM for even the slightest trace levels of integrity or decency.'

It's understood the scientists were ingested painlessly via Mr Johnson's glass of warm milk, and have seventy-two hours to complete their mission in the high-tech craft.

Professor Schmidt gave this update on progress: 'Unsurprisingly, we have drawn a complete blank thus far. What's more the mission is fraught with danger. Last night things nearly came to a sticky and premature end on no less than twenty occasions.

'The sub was in the region of his testicles when Mr Johnson suddenly indulged in a frenzied and sustained bout of masturbation whilst reading about Winston Churchill. Mercifully, he fell asleep before the team was ejaculated, enabling them to navigate to a safer and considerably less active zone - his conscience.

'Our greatest fear however is if they should mistakenly end up in the vicinity of Mr Johnson's cavernous arsehole. Although, in such circumstances each member has been issued with a quick-acting cyanide tablet.'

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Starmer considers position